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Buried my son on xmas eve

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Buried my son on xmas eve

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  • #20111
    Moon
    Participant

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 10 replies - 41 through 50 (of 153 total)
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  • #20705
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dearest Moon
    Thinking of you and wishing you the strength we all need, the comfort we all need….I wake in tears every! morning it takes hrs to even move…did you do the course? How did you find it and do you have any support around you….I’m really struggling, with not much..
    Sending loving hugs and wishing we could sit together and help one another.
    Love
    Deb

    #20706
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi Deb, all reading. I don’t know why some days are harder than others, but I literally only just stopped crying so I could message you back. I worry sometimes that I post too often here, but I’m so lonely and need to write, otherwise I’ll go crazier than I already feel if left alone in my head. I hate Fridays, the prospect of another weekend void of my son. To be honest, void of anyone. I was already grieving becoming an empty-nester, this house is just too silent to bear. But I don’t like going out either, a quick trip to the supermarket once a week that’s it, even then I feel out of place. If I’m not a mother shopping for her children, then who am I ?
    I was fortunate to have a one on one telephone counselling session this week, which suits me better than the zoom group sessions, I’m a stubborn tech dinosaur and shy in groups.
    It made me realize just how many layers of grief I have to wade through, I’ve been grieving non-stop since he was first diagnosed 10 years ago, for my son himself, his siblings, his friends, the entire life I dreamt for my children before they were even born… I find myself also grieving my own childhood, loss of parents and family. It’s a lot.
    I have rung lifeline several times over the years, so half expected their counselling format, ie: ‘ so what did you used to do that you enjoyed ?, what can you do now to take your mind off things etc, but no, my counsellor did not have any expectations of me feeling better and just let me tell my story, but with honest questions friends or family often don’t dare ask. My two girlfriends are the mothers of my sons’ best friends, his surrogate aunties, so I get that it’s hard for them too. I get the feeling they’re fearful of upsetting me if they talk their sons, family events, but I want to hear it all, imagine my son being part of. This weekend they’re all going to a concert to a band I took them to a few years back . Crossed my mind briefly to buy a ticket. I’ll just dance it out at home in front of my stereo as sometimes happens.
    How about you Deb, are you still in contact with your daughters’ friends, mothers ? When my head isn’t being my friend, I think they only ring me out of pity and I’ll soon lose contact with them now that we can no longer share friday arvo teas with our kids together.
    I too, wish I could sit side by side with another grieving mumma, swap stories, share photos, know when you look into each others’ eyes you the other truly gets’ it.
    I’m in Sydney, whereabouts is everyone else ?

    #20707
    Moon
    Participant
    #20708
    debsayge
    Participant

    Dear Moon,
    I’m so glad you answered, thanks so….we’re in melb (western port area) so that’s annoying, was hoping you were closer….I’ve a terrible family all don’t care about our lives at all, always been difficult but I’m the one who’s always tried, not anymore!
    I’m too so lonely, alone in my head with so much trauma and just cry all the time it’s impossible pain isn’t it Moon!! All friends have abandoned us now… I rarely go out I’m feeling so afraid to as everything we did we did together (we homeschooled)my Archer is 16 he’s as wonderful as his darling sister Sayge. We spend all our time outside we have a small farm, don’t do much, too exhausted just help Archer….I take my hurt out on the weeds, weeding is all I’m capable of, the house is a mess inside as I just can’t be in there, is that mad!!!
    No I don’t think you post too much I’m glad that you are, we need to be able to talk somewhere and receive validation from all these beautiful hurting souls, those Not afraid to be real.
    May is too hard m/day and my b/day Sayge always spoiled me with handmade everything’s and I miss the love so bad….I’m very heartsick and still so shocked to the core, I just ache n shake all the time….I think of you through my broken heart and wish us to all be showered with the strength to bare the unbearable.
    I still don’t have the courage to write anything, although talking to you is something, thanking you for helping me do that
    Love to us all
    Debxx

    #20710
    debsayge
    Participant

    Loving hugs to you and all reading I hope we can all keep holding one another
    XxDeb

    #20741
    Moon
    Participant

    Hi deb, everyone.. I hate this time of day the most, just watched the sunset and now too cold to keep sitting outside on my back deck.
    Not so long ago, I would have had the stove and oven fired up cooking a feast for hungry teenagers and all their plus ones, huge sigh !!
    I’m still learning how to cook for one, or eat at all sometimes, to be honest. I used to love hosting parties/gatherings and cooking hey.
    Been watching videos that I need to put on an usb, plus so many photos. Gosh please tell me I’m not the only mum who has photos still to put in an album.
    I wonder how other’s process looking at baby photos ? We had no f..g idea this could ever possibly happen to our baby child, did we?, how could it possibly be that our love couldn’t keep them here beside us ? Oh my, it’s unbearable, and I don’t know where to find any comfort, except somehow here with you all.
    I’m jealous of those who have family, friends and faith, because I often feel berefit of any sustenance to warrant another day. Thank goodness I have a very demanding old cat and a cheeky budgie to care for. I try my best, but not good with pot plants, encourage the birds to come eat the worms, highlight of my day when the king parrots chat with me, they don’t mind me rambling back hey. Yep, I talk to my son, via them ok. Am I going mad ? – I was already, so free range now.
    What shall I do with my madness ? Not going to unleash it on anyone else, so good that I’m used to being a hermit. But there’s such a tear in my heart, I know I just cannot bear this alone, so I need to be here, and keep writing. I’ve got my counselling session tomorrow, will probs reflect here after xx

    #20742
    Moon
    Participant

    My sons’ twin sister didn’t necessarily follow his faith, but I believe in her and him always !

    #20743
    Moon
    Participant
    #20744
    Moon
    Participant
    #20745
    Moon
    Participant
Viewing 10 replies - 41 through 50 (of 153 total)
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