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Hi debsayge, when I first saw your name (without my glasses on) I thought it was depayse which is french for disoriented, a feeling I’m sure all us mummas have.
Our children are similar in age, mine will remain forever 19, would have been 20 in March just past. Oh my I was such a mess on his birthday, I cried hysterically for so long I ended up having a major panic attack (I suffer from anxiety at the best of times). I don’t think others who haven’t experienced grief quite understand just how physically challenging it is. It’s exhausting lying awake up at 3am for hours reliving everything, and bursting into tears randomly many times a day, don’t you think ?
I’m so glad you joined the forum, you don’t have to share your story in detail, the main thing is finding comfort in knowing there are other mums out there walking beside you.
I’m not up to date with tech either, only recently got facebook so I could share his funeral service and photos, but do like to write, guess you could say I’m using this forum as a journal. It’s hard to imagine what I might say in a year’s time because it’s groundhog day for me still.
When I reluctantly open my eyes in the morning my broken heart is stabbed yet again. Oh no, another day to get through. Cat demands food, so I make my coffee counting the seconds until the tears well up as I open the fridge plastered with photos of my son. There’s been a couple of mornings I thought hey, I did it without crying, but inevitably 10 minutes later the floodgates open. So I caress his photo and beg him to send me a sign, a little hi, and he mostly does. The days he doesn’t I tell myself he’s busy with his twin sister or 2 brothers. I’m not particularly religious or spiritual, but whatever gets you through, so whenever a bird or a butterfly lands nearby me, I claim it as mine.
Actually what often happens, just as I’ve paused sobbing, I’ll get a notification from this forum, I’ll take that a sign too, thank you my son, you’re reminding me I am not alone in this xx