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Buried my son on xmas eve

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Buried my son on xmas eve

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  • #20111

    Hello fellow community in mourning, I’m reaching out to other parents who have experienced the loss of a child, in the hope of shared support.
    The waiting list for counselling is so long, I’m drowning in sorrow meantime.
    I may not be able to offer much just yet as I’m deeply depressed but can promise to listen and empathise with each and all of your stories.

    To introduce myself, I am a mother of 4 (now 3) adult children. Recent empty-nester, was already struggling with the loneliness that entails.
    My nickname is Jezza, as that is how my friends’ called my 19yr old son Jeremy, who died on the 20th Dec just passed.

    Yes his death was unexpected, but we have all lived the last 9 years with baited breath as he experienced so many struggles in his short life, almost half of which was spent in and out of Westmead Childrens, more recently St Vincents’ Hospital. I’ll share a recap:

    My son was diagnosed with leukaemia when he was 10 yrs old. Had 18 months of intense chemo, total body irradiation, but sadly relapsed so needed a bone marrow transplant, which his twin sister was a good match for. Developped gvhd (rejection) of the lungs, needed to go on the transplant list. Gratefully had a double lung transplant last January, his health improved amazingly. Got back into skating, got a job, even his first girlfriend ! He was feeling so good, got sick of taking 30 meds per day, missed a couple for a day or two, thought he could catch up, but the rejection process of his new lungs was unstoppable and he died within 3 weeks. This was not meant to happen !!

    I’m really struggling with all the emotions that come with grief, coupled with longstanding depression being bipolar. One of the hardest is ‘mummy guilt’, wishing I could have prevented this. Insert swear words, covid meant less check-ups, hospital support and prevented me from visiting him and his twin sister. I could only hand home-cooked meals (as mums do) over the balcony. If, the forever, if ?!, he’d been living at home with me still, I could have supervised his medication maybe, but he was always so very diligent in taking them, no-one suspected he’d ever skip a few…?

    I want to support my daughter (just quietly – wished she moved back home) but she needs her space. She just moved from their shared apartment to a share house. She dropped off Jeremy’s clothes recently. Buried my head in them on their birthday last week. I sob all day long, it’s exhausting.

    From all my years in hospital, I find the best comfort with others who have similar experiences, so here’s hoping my story connects with someone. Thank you for listening XX

Viewing 10 replies - 31 through 40 (of 149 total)
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  • #20481

    hello again, apologies for my not so very positive recent post, never mean to bring anyone down, just sharing my moments ok please..
    Just had my first ever practise zoom session with a gf, in prep for the upcoming sessions here.
    I’m wondering if I might already know people here who will be joining ? If so, please say hi, I’m quite nervous about it all.
    I had an ok day, blue-tacked heaps of new family photos on my fridge. My son swimming with dolphins ++ make a wish hols.
    Wish he was here to help me download all the photos on my computer, I’m such a tech dinosaur.
    I’m grateful for the opportunity to share about my son, empathizise with others in their personal grief, extend a hand, a listening ear.
    I know I need this. Cause it’s so lonely living through this. Sometimes I feel that no one else could ever comprehend my pain, but it isn’t true.
    Just turn to music and poetry, it’s all written before you xx


    Dearest broken Mumma
    I have been desperate to find other broken Mumma’s like me but as I’m not really into phones n internet im not very good at searching….I actually felt the deep need to connect but sent up to writing my story as the whole tragity been too much to cope with….I can barely say! my precious Sayge my daughter left she is 19yrs 2mths and1 day on the 15/1/21 all I can bare to say in similar circumstances as yours…
    Perhaps we could share more soon
    But for now I love you all
    Love Deb


    Hi debsayge, when I first saw your name (without my glasses on) I thought it was depayse which is french for disoriented, a feeling I’m sure all us mummas have.
    Our children are similar in age, mine will remain forever 19, would have been 20 in March just past. Oh my I was such a mess on his birthday, I cried hysterically for so long I ended up having a major panic attack (I suffer from anxiety at the best of times). I don’t think others who haven’t experienced grief quite understand just how physically challenging it is. It’s exhausting lying awake up at 3am for hours reliving everything, and bursting into tears randomly many times a day, don’t you think ?
    I’m so glad you joined the forum, you don’t have to share your story in detail, the main thing is finding comfort in knowing there are other mums out there walking beside you.
    I’m not up to date with tech either, only recently got facebook so I could share his funeral service and photos, but do like to write, guess you could say I’m using this forum as a journal. It’s hard to imagine what I might say in a year’s time because it’s groundhog day for me still.
    When I reluctantly open my eyes in the morning my broken heart is stabbed yet again. Oh no, another day to get through. Cat demands food, so I make my coffee counting the seconds until the tears well up as I open the fridge plastered with photos of my son. There’s been a couple of mornings I thought hey, I did it without crying, but inevitably 10 minutes later the floodgates open. So I caress his photo and beg him to send me a sign, a little hi, and he mostly does. The days he doesn’t I tell myself he’s busy with his twin sister or 2 brothers. I’m not particularly religious or spiritual, but whatever gets you through, so whenever a bird or a butterfly lands nearby me, I claim it as mine.
    Actually what often happens, just as I’ve paused sobbing, I’ll get a notification from this forum, I’ll take that a sign too, thank you my son, you’re reminding me I am not alone in this xx


    Thank you for your answer, very appropriate and sad that meaning, yes our precious babies forever 19, I’m really still so so so utterly in disbelief and I think I have panic attacks every! Morning I’m just so exhausted from it all….Sayge would have been 20 on 14/11… I am not coping without my girl, I also have my boy who’s 16 now, my children have always been extremely close and being homeschooled we did absolutely everything together, we are so lost …
    Jezza I think your amazing to reach out to others as you have and I want to thank you for that, you are gifted of heart I wish I could hug you and say I love you for that, thankyou for listening


    Hi there, I think my son just touched me via you, was just looking at all his hand-drawn mother’s days cards, sobbing


    These are our Woy,Woy boys, central coast Sydney which my son and I followed from their Pitt St busking sessions to all their concerts, proud of them, got so many selfies,

Viewing 10 replies - 31 through 40 (of 149 total)
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