Hello grief community, here is my attempt at reconnecting after loss. For me, it can only begin here, with others who share the weight of mourning.
It’s only just 3 months since I lost my youngest son – I do not feel capable of connecting with anyone right now, I’m not part of this world currently.
I may seem to be here in body, but not in spirit. I both crave and detest company. Does anyone feel the same ?
I feel invisible and exposed simultaneously, so contact with others, however brief the encounter, leaves me feeling even more confused.
When just venturing quickly to the supermarket, which I’ve only recently managed to do, I sometimes feel like there’s a tattoo on my forehead “beware mother grieving – do not approach – she might suddenly start crying ” or conversely, I imagine empathy in strangers eyes behind the masks, as if they somehow sensed my sorrow.
I used to enjoy a friendly chat with whoever was behind the cashier, but these days my eyes are cast down. I try, but my perception of everything has changed.
There’s been a couple of occasions where I have felt part of society, like when an elderly gentleman fell down in front of me and was so grateful for my help, or helping a new school student get on the right bus and asking how her day was, but mostly I almost feel guilty for being here still, when my son isn’t.
I experienced the grief of losing relationships when he was first diagnosed 9 yrs ago, so only have a couple to try to maintain.
To be honest, I don’t know what to presume or expect or even how to be towards my 3 girlfriends ( all mothers of my sons’ friends). Their sons are grieving also.
I’m sitting on my deck, as I do, tossing up whether or not to text. I know the grace period of grief is limited, though never-ending for those who experience it.
If I do message, what do I want from the conversation ? Hear about their news, what their kids are up to ? Yes I do desperately, but on another level I don’t.
Do I want to talk about how I’m feeling, overwhelmingly a yes, do I repeat myself yes, am I a burden, most likely. So I don’t message, just play the convo in my head.
I’m so lonely – I don’t mind being alone at all, used to it – but I need someone to share this abyss with, so I can be a phoenix please. Thanks for listening xx