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Dear Leila
Thank you for sharing this. It’s hard to lose a parent at a young age. That must have been traumatic regardless what else was going on. And on top of that you are dealing with the experience of regrets and guilt. Adding to all of that you are having to deal with a number of other losses. Very understandable that you feel anxious – and that all you want to do is supress your emotions. I can imagine you might feel like the emotions would just totally overwhelm you if you allow them to surface.
Yet, you made this very brave step to post on this forum. I’m not sure what it’s like for you, but what you write just reminds me of my last couple of weeks. I was not feeling well but pushed my feelings away because I did not want to deal with them. I was worried that they would totally take over if I acknowledged them. So I tried to ignore them and it just made it worse. Last week I finally managed to talk to a friend about them which was really hard at first because I felt so unworthy and flawed. But once I put it all out there and had a good cry I felt so much better. And my feelings seem to have lost some of their power over me.
I hope that you can experience something similar. And it might not be with a friend. Could be Griefline or some professional counsellor. Or this forum. I wonder how you felt after you posted here – did you feel some relief getting it all out?
Take care – and know that you are deserving of compassion and love, yours and that of others.