There are people here more qualified to support you than me, but I want to let you know that you are a wonderful person, you are not crap and to stop being so hard on yourself. Have you contacted your employers EAP (Employee Assistance Program) Provider. Anything you tell them is confidential, they cannot even tell your employer that you have made contact. You can speak to them about any issue, it doesn’t have to be work related.
You sound incredibly strong, but sometimes it is OK to not be strong.