Home › Forums › Loss of a loved one › I lost my husband 4.5 months ago after a 10 week short battle with lung cancer. › Reply To: I lost my husband 4.5 months ago after a 10 week short battle with lung cancer.
Dear @Deb-Camilleri, welcome to the forums. Our hearts are with you during this terribly difficult time ❤️ It sounds like you had an amazing relationship with your beloved Peter who adored you. And from the way you describe him, he seems like a truly charismatic man – both in your eyes and others around you. You must have some wonderful memories of times shared together.
While everyone’s grief is unique, it’s fairly common to seemingly cope ok early on. We’re often in a state of disbelief at first. We may be numb or moving in and out of reality. And this is usually a period when we focus on the clinical events as it can be a way of avoiding our emotions. But as the weeks go on the grief starts to seep in and this is when it can feel almost unbearable. Like what you’re feeling now. Though it’s hard to hear, we have to confront this pain at some point. It forces us to access our best coping strategies to adapt to the loss. Right now you might be feeling like you cant cope but over time your coping skills will develop and strengthen. We are here to help you with this (the Griefine Helpline is another great resource when things are overwhelming 1300 845 745).
You mention that he is in your thoughts constantly and we wonder if you might try shifting your approach to these thoughts at times… try sending him the love that’s in your heart and speak it out loud. “I’m sending you love, I’m wrapping you up in my love” or whatever feels right to you. Say it over and over. It can soften the heartache and anxiety a little.
Nightime crying seems to be almost universal among the bereaved.. it might be soothing to know that researchers have described crying as a kind of comfort we give to ourselves…we ‘close down on ourselves in a self-embrace with muffled cries to hold back the distress’. So, while it might seem out of control or even frightening to cry every night…rest assured it’s safe and ok… practice self-compassion and kindness and let yourself cry if you need to.
At this early stage, it can be helpful to educate ourselves about the grief response and uncover ways to cope with it. Our ‘Coping with Grief’ article on the Griefline Resource Hub explores grief symptoms and also gives some ideas for coping – from the early stages to later on. Things like reaching out to others to seek comfort; taking care of your mental, emotional and physical health; and ways to feel safe and in control. We hope you will find something helpful there.
@Deb-Camilleri, we hope that you’ll keep posting as you navigate these distressing days. Every day is different on this grief journey and though it feels like things are getting worse right now, over time you will find there are moments of light breaking through to bring some relief…and hope.
So many of us here can empathise with what you are going through. We are here for you. 🌸