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Im sad to hear about your mums passing. I was 24..25 when my mum died. I didn’t get to say bye either. She didn’t even recognise my voice and called me by some other name. I dont know exactly how she died. She was admitted to the hospital with a fever that wouldnt go down two weeks after my birthday and another two weeks later she was gone. I hope she wasnt in pain but i think she was.
My mum was also my best friend. I never imagined she would be gone. She was just 48 years old. Her whole life was ahead of her. All her dreams and plans and things i wanted to do with her.
Its been several years but i still go through phases of anger, sadness, regret, guilt, and a lot of pain. Every event, every milestone makes me think of her. What would i say? What would i share? What would she say? “she would probably laugh” is what i manage to come up with.
They say its normal to feel like this with grief but ugh, that doesnt make it any better. We needed our mums.
You said your mums bday is coming up. On my mums first bday after her passing, i prayed for her that wherever she is, may she be happy. And i had cake, because it’s still a birthday. And i cried. A lot. I cried more as time went on because i missed her more.
I have no advice because you will find your own way and your mum is right there inside of you, guiding you, and listening to you. I can relate to a lot of what you shared and im sending you big hugs.