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I lost my husband towards the end of last year. It was extremely sudden. One day he went to work, had a massive stroke and never came home.
I remain devastated. We were extremely close. We were together for approximately thirty years. We raised two children together and now was supposed to be our time.
The last two weeks have seen me at my absolute lowest. So low that I don’t want to see if there is any lower. I feel lost and alone. I am overwhelmed with sadness for both myself and my husband. I still expect to see or hear him walk through the door.
I rely heavily on my young adult children but also thought I could rely on friends. But nobody seems to get it. The ones that I thought would are the ones that think I should be just keeping busy, going back to work, moving on. My biggest accomplishment at the moment is getting up each morning. How do I ‘move on’ when I feel so empty and lost, when I can’t get through a day with out breaking down in sobs.
Friends tell me that I will have to leave the small town in which I met my husband, we married, bought a house, raised our children and lived happily for the time that we have been together. So then, not only will I still be feeling lost and alone but I will also not feel like I belong and I will not have so many lovely (and not so lovely) memories all around me. Everything that we worked so hard for is here in front of me. I feel I have already lost so much, my future, a relationship that I felt could survive anything and also my career (as I have been unable to head back to work as yet). If I were to move away from our home for the last three decades truly leaves me with very little to grasp onto other than the precious memories.
I try everything to help me through this difficult time. I keep myself extremely busy. So busy I can’t sit still. I have learnt to meditate, practise mindfulness, journal, walk, listen to music (loudly), garden, honour my husband in ways that many wouldn’t understand, see a psychologist regularly but still the grief overwhelms me. My husband was my hero, he was my sounding board, he was my best friend. I am frightened of how much his loss has truly effected me and how I continue to live a life without him. At the moment I cannot see any happiness without him here to share it with.