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I didn’t realise how hard it can be to stop oneself from crying. Usually I’ve no problem but today has been so painful I have to keep hiding away because I can’t stop the pain from boiling over into tears.
Mum died from cancer 7 years ago and I’ve dealt with it very well since then however this is my first mothers day while being pregnant with my first child myself. A time in every daughters life when she needs her mother the most. Grandchildren was the only thing she wanted before she died but I was only 23 then and not ready to have children.
What’s hurting so much today is that mum was the only person in my life that loved me and cared for me. Now there is no one. After her death, dad ran off with an awful, selfish, manipulative hag and has conveniently forgotten he’s a father. There is no one else on his side, no one else on mum’s side who cares and my unborn baby has no father. I struggle badly with Aspergers and as such I live in a garage, where I will be bringing my baby back to in 3 months time, have no job because I’m not impressive enough to be hired and have no support whatsoever. If mum was here things would be different I think. She told me she loved me growing up and she would support me to live better if she were here.
Next mothers day I will be a mother myself. It breaks my heart to know I can’t provide my son with a family. I want him to have more than just a mother. That’s all I had and she’s gone. I don’t know why I was born. There seems to be no point. I wish I had been aborted or miscarried. They say everyone has a purpose. I think my purpose must just be to help keep people in jobs when I’m a paying customer or maybe just to care for my two cats.
I miss my mother more than ever today.