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Hi JackM, tiki and GL,
I lost my beautiful partner unexpectedly 19 months ago. The initial shock, deep grief which showed up often as anxiety until each time I could cry it out, and then the continued sense of being lost in the world was something I had never anticipated. I reached out and chatted with close, trusted friends and griefline. I chatted whenever I needed… Every day /night… I needed to talk it out and connect with people. I thought I had lost my self and that I was going “down the drain”. I kept in touch with my doctor and sought out Grief Counselling. The first 6 months were hard and disorienting. Then Covid came along and the whole world was going into a spiral of loss and disorientation.. it was amazing and very isolating. Just know I could call a helpline was comforting. Please don’t judge yourself by reaching out to helplines. At times I got the most amazing connections with counsellors and it helped me keep my head above water. I kept believing deep down that there had to be a reason for him to be gone and me still here even though its didn’t make senses to my mind. I wanted to honour him by hanging in there and still be in this world… I want him to be proud and we will meet up again down the road. If you have seen the film Nomadland you will know that is a key and powerful message.
Now 19 months on and with the help of ongoing counselling and support, and my own actions in joining some new groups, ie bushwalking and film groups, doing lots of walking and exercise.. I am discovering a new part of myself emerging. A part of me that would not have been there had my partner still been around. In a way I am seeing it as a gift of his death… its a new strength which I get to discover and integrate into my life. My partner is there in my awareness every day… in a positive and loving way. He is in my heart and that will never change. I still can’t believe he isn’t here. He was so full of fun, sensitive and passionate and a larger than life personality. Always loved…