I relate to your words so much @pip!!! losing my mum always hurts no matter how much time has passed. she was my best friend and the only person i openly talked to.
early days were very hard. my first instinct was to throw myself into work. my manager was good though. she told me to go home as soon as the clock struck 5.
i hated that i couldnt call mum. i still kept her name in my phone. i still have all her letters and birthday cards.
one of the first things i did after mum passed was that i ended the toxic relationship i was in at that time. her passing gave me perspective and i wanted to live a better life.
i turned my focus inward and started seeing a psychologist, took up yoga, did yoga teacher training, meditation, journalling, watching TV (got into masterchef from that time), started cooking, tried to make new friends, and got into a routine. i tried to be as healthy as i could. cried a lot. still do sometimes.
its been 7 years now. i still miss her. i hate that shes gone. i wish i could have done more (but i know i did what i could).
oops this is so long. i could keep going on and on. feel free to share however you are feeling and know that grief is a normal experience