Hi @Mary, our hearts go out to you – the loss of a child can feel almost unbearable and this is made exceptionally distressing when they take their own life. At Griefline we talk to more and more carers/parents who are completely blindsided as their teen kept a brave face and their struggles hidden.
It sounds like you had a very special and nurturing relationship with him…helping him to grow and develop despite his hard start to life. What a profound love you gave to him – as he became your whole life. We feel sure he would have felt loved, honoured and cherished by you – which no doubt gave him joyful times throughout your 8 years together and some peace amongst the anguish when he made the decision to end his life.
It is so good to hear that you have a supportive family and also a therapist to help you through your acute pain. Lean on them as much as you can because, in essence, you need ‘intensive care’ right now – let others take care of you when it’s too overwhelming, share your burden with those around you, and remember how important self-care is too. As a suicide survivor, you may need a cradle of extra supports to get you through – already you have taken the brave and resilient step of joining our online community. So thank you for allowing us to walk alongside you and also for giving compassion and guidance to another community member in need. But have you thought about joining a suicide support group as well? There are many unique features of the suicide loss experience which others who are bereaved by suicide will know and understand.
In the meantime let yourself dream and talk to him – its normal to want him back and also to want to continue your bond with him. Remember, that your bond will always remain – nothing can ever take that away. Over time it will become easier to think of him and talk to him in your own way. You are always welcome to talk of him here too.
So welcome again @ Mary. Take care and keep posting.