Grief isn’t one thing; it’s many. It arrives in waves, layers, and silences.

Shanna Provost, a funeral celebrant, end-of-life educator, and doula who has spent over 25 years supporting individuals and communities through death, dying, and grief, shared her reflections and invites us to look more deeply at the many forms grief can take: not just after death, but before it, around it, and long after the rituals are over.

Here’s Shanna’s story, in her own words:

I have worked in the end-of-life space for over 25 years as a funeral celebrant, educator on end-of-life issues, walking alongside people on their journey ‘home’ (doula), then supporting their loved ones through the days, months and years of resultant grief.

I don’t see grief as linear or one-dimensional, and I feel it is vital that, when talking about grief, we include the many facets, layers and levels in which grief can take shape. Of the cited 16 Types of Grief*, the ones I deal mostly with are ‘normal’ grief (when a loved one dies of, say, old age), anticipatory grief (when a loved one has been given a terminal prognosis), cumulative grief (most common in the Indigenous communities I work in where deaths can occur in quick succession), traumatic grief (when a suicide, drowning or other form of violent death occurs), disenfranchised/ambiguous grief (where others don’t validate the grief one is feeling, such as the loss of identity, home, job), and secondary loss (where the death of a loved one impacts several areas of a person’s life such as induced poverty, orphaned children etc).

As a funeral celebrant, I slow a ceremony down to provide a tangible space to acknowledge loved ones’ bewilderment, guilt and added grief for someone who has suicided, and I make sure to honour all of the sweet moments the person got to experience in their life as well as being honest about the challenges and pain they experienced that led them to choose suicide.

I have been distressed when I have seen mourners get up and walk out of a funeral where (usually) a religious minister has imposed their moral/religious views on what happens to a soul. These situations require extra support for the mourners who feel burdened and fearful of the judgements levelled at their loved ones.

The anticipatory grief I witness, especially when loved ones are attempting to take on the role of carer (assisting with toileting, feeding, medication administration etc.) can be paradoxical. The person starts grieving the inevitable loss of their loved one but often admit quietly that they will feel relieved when ‘it is all over’.

I take every opportunity to normalise these feelings to assuage guilt. I also provide links to services that can take on the bulk of the ‘nursing’ role so that the carer can go back to just focusing on being the family member/partner emotionally supporting their loved one.

*Source: https://www.talkspace.com/blog/types-of-grief/