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Hi @blueskies,
Thankyou for sharing your experience here,it makes complete sense that you’re feeling overwhelmed, this kind of loss shakes the very ground beneath you, and changes your whole world in a moment. Your loss is still so recent, and people in your situation often find that they review their choices, feeling that they could have changed things somehow, the ‘what ifs’ you’re carrying are a natural part of your mind trying to make sense of something so deeply painful. One of the most difficult things about losing someone to suicide is all of the unanswered questions, not only about the person who died, but also of yourself and the self-doubt that creeps in, making you question yourself.
It sounds like you are doing all that you can to support yourself and your children, and though you might feel stuck at the moment, going to counselling, being here in the forum and being there for your children every day shows your strength and resilience. Right now, it may feel impossible to imagine things getting better but that doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, it’s a reflection of the enormity of your loss, partner, best friend and father to your children.
Know that we are here for you, and that you can also call our helpline if you would just like to talk things through.
I have shared another resource below that might be helpful, they specialise in suicide bereavement and also have some great resources for children, which might be useful for you.
StandBy is accessible 24 hours a day, seven days a week, providing free face-to face and/or telephone support at a time and place that is best for each individual.
• Phone: 1300 727 247
• Website: <a href=”http://www.standbysupport.com.au/”
• To find support in your regions visit:Hi @mandyp.
While I was reading your post about the sad loss of Puffin – one of those special animals who can sense when their humans are not well or suffering – I noticed you mentioning being angry and that certainly resonated with me. Anger is one of the “classic” emotions associated with grief yet is often not talked about. My family lost our special little cat also at age 9, and also from cancer (on the lip), and she had also been treated with steroids. When we returned after our horrible trip to the vet my son suddenly became very angry. I think we all were too, to a lesser degree. I think we might have felt cheated of another 9 years of life with her, cats are supposed to live to 17 or 18 and the whole thing seemed so unfair. He went outside and pounded the trampoline a few times, which really helped him. Losing a beloved animal that knows when you need support leaves a really big hole.Hi @blueskies. What you have bravely written will certainly resonate with anyone who has lost someone they are very close to to suicide. I have lost a family member in this way but I was not particularly close to them so I have no first hand knowledge of just how emotionally crippling it is. But many others in your position have told me of just how shattered, shocked, devastated, lonely, broken and guilty they feel. The guilt is horrible and normal and compounds all the suffering. Feeling that there is more that could have been done is completely normal. The bereaved look back and judge their actions then with the knowledge that they have now. But all those bereaved people could only make decisions with the knowledge they had then. Which is all any human can do. And for a suicide to occur most often means that the pain that was being experienced was stronger than the love they were able to receive. This is not the failure of the loving family and friends but it certainly feels that way. I hope that the feelings of guilt will start to loosen their grip soon. You are already suffering enough from the loss of your loved one without having to struggle with the thought that you should have somehow prevented it.
Hi @jotan80,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband Aaron. Suddenly losing someone is among the most painful experiences and, especially, with Aaron being so young and you being physically separated from him at the time of his passing. I can’t imagine how difficult this last month has been for you. It’s very natural for you to feel that your emotions are escalating since the funeral. Much of the initial experience after a death is filled with shock, disbelief, and (unfortunately) the logistics of what to do when someone dies. Now the funeral has happened and, unfortunately, much of our society says that, “That’s that! The funeral is closure and the end.” But you are finding out, like many, that there is no closure because of X, Y, or Z thing and that is its own low blow. Grief is an ongoing process and now that the funeral is over, you’re finding that there is more inner space to actually feel emotions (sadness, anger, guilt, the lot!). While this may feel troubling please know that this is very normal. My hope for you is that many of your family and friends will understand and be able to hold space for your emotions, and for your understandable fragility, in this incredibly heart-breaking time of life for you.
As VMv_68 and VM_GraceJune have commented, the Griefline listeners are available if you should like to talk with someone. You’re welcome to telephone, however, even if you would just like to cry with someone on the line. Only you can decide what it is that you need right now and so please let us know how you get on (if you feel capable!).
Please take care of yourself, jotan80.
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Hi @mandyp
I’m so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet like Puffin is extremely painful. We love them so much and they occupy such a special place in our lives. And when a cat dies it can be so troubling because, as you say, it happens so quickly sometimes and we may say our goodbyes but cats can’t say it back to us. When my cat died it left such an unsettling feeling of things “being left open”. What was helpful for me was the idea that cats communicate with us not through words but actions and remembering how much I loved her and how much she loved me. It sounds like you’re making beautiful plans to remember Puffin by organising a lovely urn and paw print. I love the idea of planting a tree as well; seeing something grow in honour of Puffin might make it feel like a continuation of his life, in a way. In my opinion, that helps the sense of “things being left open” because, in a way, things have been left open (in a way of your choosing!).
Puffin sounds like a glorious cat and a very special person for you. As VM-MistOnTheLake has commented, the Griefline listeners are here to listen if you wanted to telephone and talk about Puffin. The loss of a pet is sometimes (very unfairly!) dismissed and diminished by the people in our life but I’m sure that the Griefline listeners would be very happy to hear about Puffin if you should like to telephone.Please let us know how you get on, mandyp, if you feel capable.
Take care.Hi @barno
I’m sorry for the loss of your dad. It’s a particular cruelty of life that even when we’re conscious of the end, it is still a shock and an upset that provokes such deep feelings of sadness, anger, and, yes, even guilt. You live with the idea, you go through your grieving, and you think, “I accept this. Dad’s death will come and it’ll hurt but I’ll be okay in time.” And then the death does come and it’s like a punch to the gut and it leaves us with this incredible sense of unfairness. “Surely I’ve done my grieving!” But it seems as if there is always more grieving in the early days. I’m really sorry that you are dealing with all of this while also feeling this sense of guilt that you wrote about. That’s a lot for a person to bear. As VM-Summer24 and VM-Fern have commented you’ve done nothing wrong in this situation and this guilt is, in fact, likely emerging due to the incredible love and connection you had with your dad. To add my two cents: we all do what we believe is best with the knowledge and experience that we have in that moment. And in that moment, as VM-Fern says, the best thing was to trust the medical professionals as you did. That understanding won’t take away those thoughts of “What if?” but I truly hope that you’re able to find peace with how things progressed with your dad. I sense that you have a great deal of self-awareness and insight into things but there’s a chasm between “knowing” something and “feeling” and accepting it. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to the Griefline listeners if you ever need to chat about things. You don’t deserve to carry around all these feelings in isolation.
Please let us know how you get on (if you feel capable!).
Take care, barno.Hi @kerber,
It’s been a little time now since your post and so I hope that you’re well. I’m sorry to hear of your loss. It’s difficult to lose someone as significant as your mum. And then also to feel like you’ve been cut off from your older sister, and your other siblings, and also having to support those around you who are also going through a grieving process. That’s a lot for you to deal with and, especially, when your husband (who sounds like a very supportive person!) is so physically distant from you and unable to be a comforting physical presence for you at the moment.
Feelings of sadness and anger sound very natural. After all, you’re going through this grief too and it’s a strain to maintain an emotional stability for others whilst feeling like you’re getting very little in return. VM_mochi and VM-flo have listed some ideas for tackling these feelings and your sense of isolation and I do hope that you’ve been able to feel a little more connected to others since your original post. Our Griefline listeners are here to listen if you want to reach out and chat. As well, I hope that you’ve been able to reach out to some close friends in this time. It’s not necessary for socialising to be constant or hours on end to be of benefit when you’re lonely. Even catching up for a quick coffee and discussing absolutely nothing in particular can be so nice and help you feel connected without feeling drained. Other connections will never replace your mum (it sounds as if your connection was a special one and cherished!) but can be of some comfort during hard times.
Please feel free to let us know how you’re getting on (if you feel up to it).
Take care, kerber.Hi Jotan80,
I am so sorry to hear about your loss, it requires so much strength to reach out and to express your feelings surrounding your grief. These feelings of shock and sadness are completely normal.
I loss my grandfather recently and also did not get the chance to say goodbye, I cannot imagine how difficult it must have been for you – you truly just wanted to be there for your husband in his last moments. The loss you feel right now really shows how much you care about him and your five year marriage.
Trying to reach out to your supports despite the emotions you are overwhelmed with right now requires a lot of effort, I commend you for that and for also reaching out to Griefline.
We are here for you!
Hi @blueskies,
I’m really grateful you reached out and shared so openly here. Your words show just how deeply you loved your partner and how enormous this loss is for you. Losing someone to suicide brings shock, confusion, guilt, and so many unanswered questions and the way you’ve described feeling shattered, lost, and overwhelmed makes complete sense in the circumstances you’re facing.You’re also carrying all of this while parenting on your own, holding both grief and responsibility at the same time. That is an enormous weight for one person, and the fact that you’re still reaching out, speaking with others, attending support groups and counselling these are all signs of strength, even if they don’t feel like progress right now.
You mentioned feeling “stuck in a place” you can’t get out of, and I want to gently acknowledge that early grief especially suicide grief can feel frozen, unreal, and unbearable. Feeling like it will never get better is a common part of navigating pain that is still so raw. But feeling hopeless is not the same as being hopeless. The way you continue to show up, seek connection, and tell your story shows that a part of you is still reaching for support, even if it feels far away.
Thank you so much for sharing, please know that you’re not alone here. This community is here for you.You are also very welcome to call Griefline’s Helpline on 1300 845 745 (8am – 8pm, 7 days (AEDT)), if you would like to have a friendly chat.