trauma around loss of a baby many years ago

[shirley]

Our fourth child was born very suddenly and died after a week. It was 20yrs ago. I feel like I am stuck. I don’t really understand how the grief of this is affecting me or what to do to help. Do I just need to look after myself and thats it? I take two weeks off work around this time every year. Don’t feel I can do much. I see a psych and have a good doctor. But is it OK that I just feel manky? How do I help myself feel better? Or is this just something that is pretty normal? If I bring up what I am going through with friends, do you think that will help? It’s weird, as I feel really comfortable supporting other people in such situations. But I feel sort of stuck. Everything feels really difficult. Other people dont seem to be like this, so why me?

Topic

[VM_Cedric]

Hi Shirley,

I’m really sorry for your loss, and I truly appreciate you sharing this here. Losing a child is an unimaginable pain, and the fact that you’re still feeling stuck after 20 years makes a lot of sense — grief doesn’t have an expiration date.

It’s completely understandable that this time of year feels particularly heavy for you. Taking two weeks off work is a way of honoring your experience, and it sounds like you’re already doing what you can to take care of yourself by seeing a psychologist and having a supportive doctor. But I hear that you’re wondering if this is just how it is, or if there’s something more you can do to feel better.

Feeling “manky” or stuck is a really common experience in long-term grief, especially for losses that feel unresolved or deeply painful. It’s also normal to feel like you can support others in grief but struggle to process your own. Grief can sometimes get frozen at a certain point, making it feel like it hasn’t moved, even as life goes on around you.

You asked if bringing this up with friends would help—I think it really depends on the kind of support you need. If there are people you trust who can simply listen without trying to fix it, that could be valuable. But if you’re worried about feeling misunderstood, finding spaces specifically for bereaved parents (such as support groups) might help connect you with others who do understand.

Another thing that might help is exploring whether there are ways to acknowledge your child’s life that feel meaningful to you. Sometimes, grief softens when we find ways to express it—whether through writing, rituals, or even creating something in their memory.

You’re not alone in this, and there’s nothing wrong with the way you’re feeling. Grief isn’t about comparison — everyone processes it differently. You deserve kindness and support, just like you give to others.

[VM_ally12]

Hi Shirley
Thanks for reaching out.

I’m sorry to hear about the death of your child, and it would have been a traumatic and difficult time for you and your family. All your hopes and dreams for your child are unrealised, and it sounds like the anniversary of their death affects you deeply.

Grief can be so unpredictable and turn up when you least expect it, completely blindsiding you. Part of the grieving process is acknowledging your grief and knowing that you’re going to feel manky from time to time, particularly around specific events or anniversaries, and this is normal. Our grief doesn’t disappear, but over time, we learn to live with it and find ways to integrate it into our everyday lives and from time to time, our grief will emerge when we least expect it.

Yes, it’s okay that you feel manky, and while acknowledging the feelings and the grief behind it, many people also find it helpful to connect with others and talk about how they feel. Speaking with others can help us process our feelings and sense of isolation in our grief and help us to realise we are not alone or abnormal in our grief. Find someone who will listen and allow you to talk freely and without judgment, and you may find it will help you, or call Griefline and chat with one of our volunteers.

Self-care is essential; how much sleep we get, eating well, and physical movement all help when our emotions are running high and we are grieving. Finding something you enjoy and gives you a sense of well-being can also help when you’re feeling low. It’s important to reach out and get help if you’re feeling stuck and incapacitated by these feelings.

You can call the Griefline Helpline on 1300 845 745 between 8 am and 8 pm, 7 days (AEST), and one of our volunteers will support you and be a listening ear.

Our Griefline website also has helpful information on grief and loss and self-care.

A gentle guide to self-care after loss: The E.A.S.T. approach

Keep in touch on this forum. There are many people here for you. Take care of yourself.

[Author]

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