Struggling to prepare with loosing my Mum.

[turtle]

I’ve been looking for a place to express my emotions and try and find like minded people to help come to terms with my situation, so here goes I guess.

I care for my mum (I’m 19). for the past three years I’ve been watching her waste away on a dialysis machine ever since she went into renal failure. it’s difficult having to watch it, especially seeing as her health has spiralled in the past five years, but it’s all starting to come to an end now.
I feel like I’ve been greving her loss for the past three years with her still around knowing the end result will come one day. I’ve been up and down waves of emotion and acceptance but as time thins I’m becoming more lost and anxious on how to cope after she goes in a couple of months.

I accept and fully support her decision to stop treatment and move on. her quality of life is so poor. she’s not living, just existing really.
I just wonder why us? why our family? why me of all people? to loose a parent before 20 is tough but after being so intimately involved in her life as her carer, I cant imagine something different.

I don’t want to loose my core support. my mum. the person who’s always there to support me and help out when times are tough. I feel selfish just thinking about it but I’m trying to move on from this feeling because I know that in a few weeks (about 19 weeks from now) I won’t have her with me physically. I’m scared to see my mates and the other people in my life continue to grow with the support of their mum or another parent while I won’t get the privilege to have her whilst I advance my career or start a family of my own. A lot of the time I forget to act like a daughter and to stop looking at everything from a carer point of view but it’s been so long (I also care for my brother) that it’s to hard to “turn that mode off” and be there as her daughter.

I’m almost at a loss and a panic now that her time is coming to an end. I feel grief even before she’s gone. I feel that I want to treasure every moment I spend with her but also want to avoid her because it’s so difficult to keep putting on a “brave face”. I fear that speaking to her about this and my emotions around this will “dampen the mood” so to say.

In the past week I recently lost a friend. I’ve never really had an experience with loosing someone I knew before. I’m still coming to terms with the sudden loss as well as trying to get an idea of how I’ll feel when mum goes.

it’s tough and I take my hat off to all the other posts I’ve seen in this forum as I cannot imagine what you all are going through and hope that you all are getting the support you seek. <3
and if you are reading this, I appreciate you. weather you’re here to read other’s experiences with grief or loss, or wanting to see if you can lend any words of wisdom. thank you.

• This topic was modified 1 year ago by turtle.

Topic

[shayleigh]

It’s going to be hard and a big adjustment in your life but you’ll get through it. I don’t know when or how but you will. She will live on through you always, I recently lost my dad and tragically found his body being 25 years old and seeing that type of thing it fucks you up, but I’m slowing getting better at coping. When I first found him I thought it was going to be the end of me.. but it does get better.

[VMSal]

Dear Shayleigh,

Thank you for your reply, and I’m terribly sorry for your loss as well, and for the tragic experience you underwent.

I’m glad to know that you are coping better, and as you said, with time we do get better at learning to live with our grief.

Wishing you strength and love in your journey.

[VMSal]

Dear Turtle,

Courage is the quality I sense the most from your words. Not only in being a carer to your beloved mum and shouldering these enormous responsibilities, but in reaching out here, opening up, sharing your story and asking for help. It takes tremendous courage to do that, and I thank you for it.

I’m deeply sorry for what you are going through with your mum, and also for the unexpected loss of your friend. It is a horrible thing to undergo, to watch a parent decline, and I understand the fears you’re experiencing when you consider your life ahead without your mum’s physical presence. And then to lose someone else abruptly…it is a lot. And I feel you are way more courageous than you realise.

What you’ve been experiencing thus far with your mum is what’s called anticipatory grief; these are normal responses when a loved one is terminally ill. May be your mum herself might be experiencing these feelings.

Another courageous decision, I felt, is that she has stopped treatment to live as best as she can in the circumstances. I totally understand your conflicting feelings in wanting to treasure each moment and yet struggling to keep a brave face. Again, these are very natural, normal responses in the situation, and it’s important that you balance out being there for her on the one hand, and looking after yourself on the other.

Thinking about what you said about not having her support when you advance your career or start a family, may I suggest that when you feel the mood is appropriate, that you ask her if she has any mother-to-daughter advice for you? One of the biggest regrets that can arise after, is wishing that you had talked about what was important when there was still time.

Could I also suggest writing or journalling as a coping strategy for yourself? Perhaps you might consider keeping a grief diary to express the difficult emotions? This way, you have a safe outlet and it helps to reduce feeling overwhelmed.

Finally, regarding the questions you asked – why you, why your family…I think those are questions all of us in this community have grappled with, and sadly, there are never any answers to the whys. It’s about learning acceptance as you noted; and some days you will be able to accept, other days you might struggle. Living with grief is a journey of ups and downs, and learning to give yourself the same compassion you give others.

You are not alone in your journey; we are here holding space for you and supporting you. When you feel ready to talk with someone, just letting you know that you can also ring the Helpline, or make an appointment with the Booked Call Support service for further support.

Free telephone support

There is also more information to read on the Griefline website’s Resources section, that might be helpful to you.

Meanwhile, I wish you strength, and send you love for the days ahead. Do let us know how you are getting along.

[VMSalty_Dog]

Dear Turtle,
I can really feel the pain in your post and your trepidation for what the future might hold. I am so sorry to hear how this is for you now, and how it has been for you.
My experience of my dad’s passing was not nearly as prolonged as this has been for you, but it gave me the chance to talk to him about the things that were important to him and me, for me to express my admiration for him as a man, about what might happen in the future life, and thank him for all the things that he had done for me.
I miss him so much, but he lives on today through the things he taught me which I now pass on to others, and they have the opportunity to learn and benefit from them and no doubt will pass them on too. I often tell my partner’s teenage son when we do handyman projects together that my dad taught me this and now I’m teaching it to you. There’s not a day that doesn’t pass when I don’t think of him and thank him for my life. We both took some comfort in an old Chinese saying – “There is only one thing sadder than a son having to bury his father, and that is a father having to bury his son.” Your mum will live on through you in so many wonderful ways.
Your time as a carer has been so very long, especially for one so young, and this is obviously taking a massive toll on you. Especially as you just lost a friend and you also care for your younger brother. This compounding of grief makes everything so much more difficult.
What you are going through is very hard, but by putting one foot in front of the other, taking things day by day, and trusting that things will get better helps. From experience I know that is true.
Expressing your grief here and in other ways is very important, and we all feel privileged that you can share such personal thoughts and feelings with us. That takes courage, and it is the same courage that will help you get through this and one day build a wonderful future for yourself that also has a continuing bond with you mum.
Take care of yourself Turtle, for if you don’t care of yourself first, you will not be able to take care others. The world is so grateful to have such a caring person in it -and your mum knows this better than anyone. Tell her what you want her to hear now, and ask how what is on her mind – this will bring you both peace and an even greater closeness.
Blessings.

[trustislife]

Hi Turtle,

we are all so sorry to hear this. You are only 19, and the strength you’ve shown to take care of your mum is so amazing!
I can’t imagine how you are feeling, I just have to commend how you are doing so much, and doing your best, at only 19.

i have a brother who is 19, and my mum passed away in feb, and mum fought so bravely for 18 plus month with cancer, and i was her primary carer.
to tell your mum your dreams, how you feel, she can hear you. let the emotions come out, be there for her, keep looking after her. you’re preparing yourself for grief, cry, let it all out.

keep going, spend as much time as you can caring and being there for your mum, you wont regret it

and allow those your mates to help, you’ll receive so much support. keep being amazing mate 🙂

thank you and peace be with you

i think about mum everyday and i miss her so much. the first month after her passing, and im still feeling sad

Bless you!

[turtle]

Thank you for your kind words Shayleigh. I’m glad you’re getting better at coping, and I hope you continue getting the support you need. <3

[VM-Luna]

Hello Turtle,
I hear your pain, fear, and longing in your words and how you have expressed yourself. You have had a lot of responsibility placed on your shoulders since 16yrs, caring for your Mum and your brother. As VMSal and VMSalty_Dog have said and shared with you (along with Shayleigh and Trustislife) resources, personal experiences and support, I too shall offer some personal experiences.
Sharing your grief with your Mother can be a healing experience, bringing you closer and enabling your mother to support you as well while she still can, the lines can be so blurred when being a carer and a daughter, and sometimes the greatest gift is to allow yourself to be your mothers daughter and be comforted by her.
It is so normal to be thinking of your loss and grief, and how your mother passing may affect you and your life. It is normal to feel angry at the world and the unfairness of life, perhaps even feel a little resentful of your friends who have a healthy Mum and are not facing the loss of her, it is normal for your feelings to swing from one emotion to another at this time, remember there are many resources to support you through this including Griefline. Reach out as you have, call, contact a friend.
I have sat with my sister as she slowly declined in her illness, I have raged at the unfairness of disease, I have cried many tears (both with her and alone), I have supported her in her fears of death, supported our parents and family, the grief is travelled singularly as it is a personal journey, however there are people who travel a similar path who understand your journey and this lightens the load a little.
With sitting and caring for your mother as she declines, find the lighter moments, laugh together if possible (as this will become a memory to treasure).
Please keep reaching out, and know that we at Griefline are here to support you.

[kyb81]

Hi Turtle,
I can’t imagine going through what you are at such a young age. You have shouldered a great deal of responsibility at a formative time for yourself. How are you doing?
I lost my Mum at the end of April this year to cancer. My Dad and I cared for her at home with help from palliative care and district nursing, and she passed as peacefully as possible, surrounded by family, which is what she wanted. I can relate to your feelings of anticipation grief, as I had the same. It’s been an exhausting process. I hope you and your Mum have been able to share some special moments that you’ll one day be able to draw on.
For me, I miss simply talking to Mum and hearing her voice. I have a short recorded voicemail message that I cherish because I get to hear her say my name in it.
The only advise I can pass on is don’t let a single word go unspoken, or action undone, the regret is hard to live with. Make time to be her daughter as well as her carer, as hard as that role change can be. Take care and all the best

[vmzef]

Dear Turtle,
I’m really sorry to hear about the difficult time you’re going through. Dealing with the impending loss of a loved one is an incredibly challenging and emotional experience, especially when you have been caring for them for an extended period. It’s natural to feel a wide range of emotions, including grief, anxiety, and fear about the future. Remember that your feelings are valid, and it’s important to allow yourself to process them in your own time and in your own way.

Losing a parent at a young age is undoubtedly tough, and it’s understandable that you’re concerned about not having your core support system and the impact it may have on your life as you move forward. It’s okay to feel selfish or sad about this, as these are normal emotions in such circumstances. However, it’s essential to acknowledge that you are not alone in this. We are here for you, to help you wherever we can You can use our helpline if you need to express your emotions.

[GL_Volunteer22]

Dear Turtle

“Sorrow makes us all children again- destroys all differences of intellect. The wisest know nothing”. Ralph Waldo Emerson (American, prolific poet, essayist, lecturer, and an advocate of social reforms)

When a loved one develops a serious illness, it’s natural to go through an emotional experience similar akin to grieving. If the illness is terminal, it’s important to talk about death and plan for the end of life. These conversations are difficult and very painful, but there will be ways to make them easier for both you and your loved ones. You have been very courageous to share your painful story with us here. I just wanted to check in and see how you are doing today. Know that we are thinking of you and here for you.

Facing terminal illness, time seems to freeze when you learn that someone you love has a life-threatening illness. Maybe you instinctively pushed the news away. Or perhaps you cried, or swung into action. There is a great deal you can do to muster support for both of you. Some of the support you need is emotional. The fears and feelings that surface now are better aired than ignored which you’ve taken the first step to do.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by GL_Volunteer22.

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