So now what… An open letter.

[niv55]

It’s been months… months since we split. I was feeling good, well not good, but better than before. I was healing, I was feeling like me again. So why has that all gone backwards. I can seem to shake you from my mind. The storm of emotions seem to be at war with each other. On one hand, I still love you and part of me thinks I always will, on the other I am sick just thinking about the idea of you. I gave you so much. It’s not about the time or the money but the emotional support I offered through everything. I knew you needed a lot of support and care, you’d just left a DV marriage, and then everything that’s going on with the kids, there’s no way anyone could have handled it alone. I knew that going into it, I was happy to love you and support you and help you heal.

So why did it all go wrong? Logically, yes, it was way too early for you to be in a new relationship and there was a lot of therapy that was needed. And in hindsight, even though I tried I was so burnt out and just started to shut down. Maybe that’s why I still feel so much pain even to this day, I haven’t been allowed to heal, I am still so burnt out. I tell myself daily you aren’t the one for me, we weren’t right for each other, you haven’t grown or learnt from this, that you’ll just hurt the next person and blame them like you did me, and the men before me… and yet I still miss you. I’ve been told this is normal, part of the process, my nervous system is adjusting to my new life. I’m sure that’s true but deep down I know there will always be a part of me that will love you forever… and I feel guilty about that, almost disgusted.

Today I blocked you on Facebook. I think you’d already blocked me on messenger, but I made sure to block you, and delete your number, and block your emails. I re-read some of our old texts. We were so in love, it was autistic as hell, like we’re just a pair of idiots, but it was beautiful. Hell, I even cracked a smile writing this. But then I saw the arguments, the accusations, the control you told me was just love and interest. I wanted to share my life with you but it felt like I wasn’t allowed to see friends or have conversations with other people. I felt controlled by jealousy. You accused me of so much that I never did, and when I needed help with things, like porn, I couldn’t turn to you. I felt alone and hurt.

And you felt like you were never enough. I can see why. I never took photos of you the same way I did with my ex, I never posted you online. I tried explaining it was because I was burnt out and lost the passion for photography, and I didn’t like posting on social media anymore, but it just felt like my reasons were never enough. I begged for the majority of our relationship to have some time to heal. To feel like me again. I was denied this. There was always some new issue I needed to give my attention to. It felt like all of your problems were ours to fix but mine were exclusively mine. If I tried to voice this you’d yell and scream and cut yourself just enough to make me worried but not do damage. So many people tell me this was abusive, I should have left ages ago. So why do I find myself single, out of this and absolutely heartbroken for the love we had.

Maybe that’s how you felt. You left your abusive ex-husband and we started dating right away. Maybe you were grieving that marriage and never processed what happened. I promise I would have understood. I wish we could have supported each other better. I hate it got to a point where neither of felt safe around each other. I miss you every day. Work sucks, it’s not the same without you. It’s even worse knowing you’re still here just working from a different home. I still go to tell you about all the little parts of my day. The JUICY work drama, the frustrating customers, all the stuff only you’d understand. I miss my best friend, and our in-jokes and I miss zoomies and games and I really miss penguining. I miss the genuine love and care we had for each other. I miss our friends group and how things, even though we fought, started to feel like home.

I made the right choice in leaving, but I am so far from healed. I think I wish you well. I don’t know. I hope you and your new man break the cycle but I also hope you get what you deserve. You can reflect on that and tell me what you deserve. I started doing more things for me, creating art and living life to be as fulfilling as possible, and it feels empty. We weren’t right for each other but I am scared I’d drop everything and go back if you asked. God I hope won’t do that, but I am scared I would. The plus side is I know that won’t happen. You made it explicitly clear that everything you loved about me is replaceable and you can (and clearly have) found it in another.

Nothing feels normal. I am going through the actions of life but it just feels robotic, not like the organic dance it once was. I know you’ll tell me to sit with my emotions and reflect, which is why I’ve been doing that. I’ve felt every single feeling imaginable. I’ve hurt more in the last few months than I knew possible, but I still keep smiling when I think about the love we had.

For years, I begged for time to heal, for peace, for a chance to collect myself so I could be everything you needed, everything you deserved. But now, the stillness is hurting me and somehow, I managed to find chaos with uncanny similarities to our relationship. Although this time I am forced to be a spectator and advisor instead of a main participant.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know how to heal or how to move on. I want to stop hurting so much, to just go back to a normal life. Why can’t I do this? I wish I had peace. I wish I knew what to do.

I feel so torn, torn between resentment, love, grief and acceptance. I’m sorry I wasn’t what you needed. You were always enough, always loved, even if it wasn’t understood.

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