Separation

[loz3647]

I have been with my husband for approx 18yrs. We have been together since age 16, friends since around 10/11.

We have two young children together.

We are remaining amicable, friendly and supportive of each other. However, this was his decision and took me by surprise. This is not what I want for my family, let alone myself.

I am really struggling to come to terms with this as we are still under the same roof and things haven’t ‘really changed’. I am waiting on Centrelink and housing to get back to me. I don’t want any of this, I don’t want a new partner, home (we rent) etc. The thought of all of this makes me feel so sick.

I am mentally and emotionally drained.

I feel completely ashamed of myself because I have been initiating s*X with him – I guess to feel connection, and in the hope he might change his mind. I feel delusional tbh and then I only start feeling more hurt afterwards. He has fully cut off emotionally, whereas for me, I can’t.

I have no one I can really talk to about this so I feel very alone.

I struggle with depression, anxiety/panic disorder, C-ptsd and chronic suicidal ideation. Whilst I have been fighting to keep myself here and to keep going each day since he told me, I have this deep feeling of not wanting to be here at all. I don’t want any of these feelings but I need it to all stop because it is eating away at me.

This is a very slow process and more painful because I cannot just up and leave and create that space between us.

I really do not know what to do or how to handle this. I have tried everything in my power to get through each moment of sadness, hurt, frustration and confusion. But I feel so stressed, overwhelmed and exhausted.

I attempted to take my life not too long ago. These thoughts are chronic but I feel like they have worsened. I am lost and feel trapped.

I need a way out.

I don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

It hurts and I need it to stop.

Topic

[VM-Moonlight]

Hi loz3647,

I am sorry it hurts so much. A couple of weeks have passed since your post. I wonder how you are coping.

It seems that you feel disempowered, alone and overwhelmed. Many others have been and will be there. Some have found it helpful to call the helpline to express their feelings. It seems that being listened to with care might help to process pain.

Thank you for your bravery in posting your challenges so honestly and openly. It helps people know that they are not the only ones feeling moments of desperation.

I hope you are caring for yourself and reaching out for support.

[VM_karina34]

Hey loz3647,

I am so sorry you are going through this, and while every relationship and its circumstances are unique, I have been in a similar situation and can still remember what that felt like for me. My whole world had come crashing down and I did not want to be here anymore. That was roughly 3 years ago, and now looking back, it might not have been the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but the experience has certainly made me stronger and realising that I can go through such a crisis and come out the other end has definitely changed the way I approach life.

This is incredibly hard for you right now and it will be for a long time, but you will get through this. You are so much stronger than you think and you will make it through. There is nothing that will make it easier or make your broken heat heal faster, you just need to give it time.
What I would suggest, though, is using this time to look after yourself as best as you can to avoid spiralling further down and losing control. Stay connected (I know you said there is no one you can really talk to about this, but I think it would be a good idea to speak to someone from Griefline or the G’Day line), stay active (even if it’s just going for walks, getting some fresh air), stay hydrated and well nourished (it’s incredible how much worse we feel when we let these things slip) and keep going. It’s okay to not have the strength to do these thing every single day. Just keep going. Make sure you’ve got the basics covered, simple things like brushing your teeth, taking a shower, putting on clean clothes. Try to stick to a simple schedule that offers a bit of a distraction. Often we feel worst when our mind has time to roam free, so if you can, keep your mind occupied with something, preferably with something positive that is not related to your relationship (for example listening to a podcast versus looking at old photos of the two of you).
Thinking of your children might be a good way to gather a little bit more strength because you have to keep going for them. They need you now.
Is there anywhere you could go for a while to get a break from this stressful living situation, a family member or a friend’s place?

In regards to the shame you are feeling because you were hoping that intimacy could save your relationship – I assure you there is absolutely no need to be ashamed. This is a completely understandable thing to do. You had hope and you wanted to at least try and be proactive.

Please give Lifeline a call if the suicidal thoughts return.

I really feel for you and wish you strength!

[Author]

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