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My name is Mel, I’ve only recently discovered this website when I was taken to hospital during a breakdown.
I lost my gorgeous baby girl Shanya she was only 19 and she was killed two days after sisters 22nd birthday. Shanya’s birthday is the 11th of December and mine is the 12th of December. My mum’s is the 22nd of December then we have Christmas and then my dad’s birthday the 7th of February and we just started to get to a good place and then Easter comes and then mother’s Day and then you just start getting good again and my daughter’s birthday comes up she’ll be 26 this year and 2 days later the anniversary of gorgeous girl stolen I’ve been so num up and down more Downs than ups I rarely get out of bed.
Recently I’ve struggled very badly even to the point where I am thinking I’m dreaming but in fact I’m actually doing it. I hear voices talking to me I’m telling me to do things and I do them still thinking it’s the dream. I finally realised that I wasn’t dreaming I was actually doing these things people said and I’ve never in my life felt so lost from reality. I nearly died last week I actually was going to take my life but I had the strength not too because I still have a gorgeous 25-year-old young lady who I am so proud of. My breakdown started because I broke Shanya’s lava lamp. It didn’t even work when you plugged again but I was going to see if my dad could fix it because I wanted to keep it, I can’t seem to let go of any of her belongings. But when that lava lamp first shattered to 1000 pieces so did I. I have a medical condition and I live with chronic disabling pain and I’m on a lot of medication and I just stop taking all of it. I don’t know how but I managed to get a call out to my neighbour and my friend a bagging them for help I was about to choke on my own vomit I’m not taking my medications I was withdrawing badly. So far the only good thing to come from my recent breakdown is on no longer on very heavy painkillers I’m suffering but I’m lucid now and I’m starting to remember things that as I said I thought we’re dreams I didn’t fact I actually did them. I had finally lost touch with reality and I was living in my own head believing everything I was seeing and doing was right. I know my daughter wouldn’t want to see me like this I think she would be mad at me play the same time I think she would be kind of happy because I’m so miserable and lost without her she was my rock and I hers. She was studying uni up at Bathurst and I live in North Richmond and I spoke with my oldest daughter Kymbalyn about me moving to Bathurst and her boyfriend could stay in my home and rent it from me and I was getting a place up there and my oldest loved the idea. I didn’t even get the full settings out before my gorgeous baby girl Shanya was screaming as loud as she could yes yes yes you’re moving to Bathurst I’m going to live with Mummy again.
We had the next a ears all sorted out I’m not even halfway through those 8 years and I think said I’ve convinced myself that I’m not going to get any better until that 8th year comes and goes. I just want to talk with another mum has lost a daughter have similar age of to mine. Though at this point I just really do need to speak to another mum who has two daughters and one is no longer with us.
I keep going over in my head everything I did growing up what was it that I did so wrong for this to happen to my daughter. It’s always just being the three of us and we were all inseparable. My girls told me everything my eldest still does. I know a lot of Mum say that that I am very serious. When they lost their virginity they both came to me to tell me, they were so excited. Yeah ironically enough Shanya was determined to wait till she was married and I took two out of it. I begged her to find her way and experience life and different men because they’re all different. Well when she did finally lose it it was at her year 12 formal after party I would somehow was at my home. There were four after parties that night and it turned into just one big night at my home. Whole class of year 12 we’re in my home. That was the night that my daughter first experience sex. After they snuggled for a little while she came racing into my room wake me up in told me. I didn’t ask questions I just let her do all the talking but in my mind I was saying I thank you thank you! Because in light of what is happened if you didn’t do it that night she would never have known what it’s like to have that kind of relationship. Losing a child is extremely hard I’m literally still 1000 pieces. And everytime I see my oldest daughter I see my gorgeous Shanya. The three of us all of the same we are the same size clothes shoes and we borrow it each other things all the time.
My eldest moved out about 5 months ago and I should but she wasn’t going to leave because it me she was staying because she was looking after me literally bringing me dinner in bed to make sure I ate. I was nowhere near the mother my daughter had become Mum and I had become somebody I hope I never recognise ever again.
I apologise for the long Post but I figure someone in this group must have lost close to the age of my daughter and probably under the same circumstances.
To know what you’re getting yourself into before you decide you want to be I counsellors to each
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