Ongoing grief after divorce

[relgrief]

Hi,
Separated for over 5 years. I still find myself thinking a lot about what happened with many mixed emotions. Partly sadness, humility, grief, anger, distress. I mostly reflect on my ‘stuff’. Finding it hard to fully accept the things I cannot change.
Any tips for how to accept these things & think less about what could have been?

Topic

[VM-Loki23]

Dear @relgrief

I am saddened to read that your relationship came to an end. The mixed emotions you describe reflect the disenfranchised grief we experience. It is disenfranchised as it is not socially acceptable to grieve about separations. The thoughts and feelings you mention experiencing tells me that you are in tune with your grief process.

I would like to direct your attention to practising mindfulness as a way to supporting yourself during this time. It is highlighted in the article on griefline’s website https://griefline.org.au/resources/mindfulness-for-grief/

Cultivating mindfulness may assist you in noticing and letting go of the difficult thoughts around the causes and conditions of this separation. It will also give you a tool to process your feelings by noticing/acknowledging and giving them a friendly space to come and go. Compassion for yourself is another way that you can resource yourself in this difficult time.

Finally, our telephone helpline is available in case you want to talk about your thoughts and feelings. Our helpful, kind, and caring volunteers will listen non-judgementally to whatever is showing up for you. Do call us on 1300 845 745.

Keep us posted on how you are supporting yourself during this time.

[VM-Bodie]

Hi Relgrief,

Thank you for your post.

I can hear that you are reflecting on your separation and that the emotions attached to this are powerful and complex.

I think your point about finding it hard to fully accept the things you can not change is a shared experience for those who are living with grief and loss. Our minds often go to how things could have been different and ways in which we could have influenced this. But as you have pointed out we cannot change what has happened. This is a difficult situation and I have empathy for you.

One thing that has helped me is the idea that we grow around our grief. While we cannot change what has happened, we can continue to grow and develop our lives while still acknowledging that our grief is there. In this approach we are not trying to change or minimise the grief, allowing it to exist and simultaneously looking towards the future for yourself. Here is a link if you are interested in learning more:

https://www.sueryder.org/grief-support/about-bereavement-and-grief/growing-around-grief/#:~:text=’Growing%20around%20grief’%20is%20a,passed%20away%20along%20with%20you.

Griefline also offers specific advice on relationship loss and has tips located at the bottom of this factsheet: https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/

If you would like to speak to someone about this over the phone, I would like to invite you to call the Griefline helpline and speak with a trained volunteer. Here is the number: 1300 845 745

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