My mum is dying and I don’t know how to cope with it

[clairescully]

I am wondering if anyone can offer some advice/tips on how to manage the grief you feel when a parent is dying – I currently seem to be isolating myself from people, self sabotaging and letting the negative thoughts take over. I am living in a state of dread knowing what’s to come, however want to be more present and remind myself she’s still here – this feels impossible.

Topic

[vmmaggie]

Hello Claire
Yes the impact/significance of anticipatory grief for a loved one must be, as you say, something one dreads.
However as we navigate such a journey we need to keep reminding ourselves of the most beautiful gift we can provide … the gift of our presence and often in the absence of any dialogue.
Furthermore though, when our loved one is up to talking – we are sometimes able to initiate the most meaningful/intimate conversations (examples) –

‘What is important to you/weighing most heavily on your mind at this time’?
‘Any special messages to be communicated’?

Whilst conveying your love and how much the person will be missed, reassure them too that you will be ok (upbringing – trained to independent)

Also as mentioned above, your own self care is important – timeout for some exercise/nutritional meals even if only small/plus managing some sleep.
Be ready too to accept help from others when offered (we all value being needed)!
All the best at this difficult time

[VM-Cody24]

Hi @clairescully,

I’m wondering how you are going?

Below, vm-oscar-at and sanette offered some beautiful tips and encouraging words.

I just want to emphasise again that you are not alone.
I recently experienced the passing of a loved one due to pancreatic cancer.
She was young and vibrant, so it was really difficult to see the cancer progress so quickly.
You feel so helpless and you feel so angry and frustrated that there is literally nothing you can do to help them.
All we could do was focus on the love that we had for her and just being there for her in whatever way she needed us.
I am so grateful that she is no longer in any pain but she is missed so very much.
Some days I feel extremely sad but there are times that I smile when I look at her photo and think about the good times we had together or the funny things she might have told me.
Being surrounded by other people that loved her dearly helps immensely, as we can share our sense of loss and lean on each other.

I hope you have found some ways to look after yourself and to seek comforts in others.

Remember that the Griefline offers telephone support 7 days a week from 8am to 8pm on 1300 845 745.
Please don’t hesitate to reach out to one of the volunteers.

[sanette]

Hello Claire,

It is Easter and for many an important time. But when we grieve, even in anticipation of a loss, it can just be another day.

One day at a time and sometimes one hour at a time is about all we can manage.

I am thinking of you and hope that your grief is giving you small breaks to catch you breath.

Wishing you small kindnesses to yourself, and connection to people who are there for you, and will listen without advice or judgement.

[vm-oscar-at]

Hi @clairescully, thank you for reaching out and sharing the challenge and experience of grief of impending loss. And although our grief is unique to us and the relationship we have with the person, it’s incredibly common to experience the emotional and behavioural responses that you have shared such as the dread and feelings of anxiousness and withdrawing yourself from others. There is strength in the self-awareness you have shared in acknowledging the impact this is having on you and the struggle and challenge you are facing.

It may seem like the grief and feelings around the loss are overwhelming and impossible to manage, and telling your story about this experience can be helpful in finding meaning from it and processing the anticipatory loss. At times we may need to retreat to be with ourselves and we may feel that others won’t understand what we’re feeling or going through, but it’s okay to seek help and comfort from others and reach out to others for support.

You have a desire and goal to be present in the moment and connect with your mum, and there is resilience and strength in knowing what you want for yourself from this journey. There are some fantastic resources on the Griefline Resource Hub that you look through as well. There may be something that jumps out at you or a helpful tip that you could apply for how you cope. https://griefline.org.au/resources/

There’s some information on the Resources Hub about the experience of grief, and support for grieving for the loss of a loved one.

We may not know your family or situation, but you are not alone. Other community members have experienced losing a parent and if you are open to it, it may be helpful to scroll through past posts and connect with the experience of others. Perhaps there may be something helpful in their story. We are here for you through the journey of the impending loss and for bereavement support. You can always reach out to the community or the Helpline for support and a chat on 1300 845 745 between 8am and 8pm.

• This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by onlinecommunity.
• This reply was modified 3 weeks ago by onlinecommunity.

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