Lost my mum 6 months ago

[jessesh]

I lost my mum 6 months ago after a 2-year battle with cancer. She was only 62. She was diagnosed the week I had my first child and passed when I was 5 months post-partum with my second, which was 2 days before my birthday. The year before she died my partner, son and I moved in with her, to spend as much quality time with her as possible and also to help her. We are still in the house we lived in with her, her room is how it was when she left. I haven’t even unpacked her hospital bag.

I am an only child and don’t have a relationship with my dad. It has always been her and I against the world! Mum was my best friend, she made me laugh more than anyone and gave me such an amazing life.

The grief I feel is unbearable. I cry every day, am irritable with my children and partner and just don’t see a way forward. Everyday feels harder than the last. I keep replaying in my head how much she suffered, and how she wasn’t ready to die. I just miss her so intensely, I don’t see how it will ever possibly get easier. I also feel so sad that she won’t get to see her grandkids grow up. Everything just feels impossible.

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[VM_bookish]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, Jessesh. I can see from the way that you write about her just how dearly she was loved by you. I am sure she felt lucky to have you as her daughter, and your children as her grandbabies.

Six months feels like a long time when you’ve lost someone so important to you, but in grief terms, six months is maybe just enough time for the initial shock to wear off. You are still at the beginning of your journey with grief – I don’t say this to worry you, but so that you might afford yourself some empathy and self-compassion today.

When I felt really stuck in my grief, my counsellor offered me a gentle exercise that helped me find some compassion for myself. She asked me to imagine that a much younger version of me came to me today with this deep sadness, feeling completely overwhelmed with grief. How would I offer comfort to this younger version of me? What might I say to her? Maybe I’d wrap her up in a blanket and give her a big hug, maybe I’d try to ease her mind by watching her comfort TV show, or take her down to the pier to watch the tide come in. The idea is to offer some of that tenderness to yourself today. Sometimes when we’re in the thick of it and feeling deeply overwhelmed, it can be hard to afford ourselves that self-compassion. Often it’s easier to reach for when we’re imagining we’re supporting someone else, or in this case, a younger version of ourselves.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care.

[Author]

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