Lost my mum 6 months ago

[jessesh]

I lost my mum 6 months ago after a 2-year battle with cancer. She was only 62. She was diagnosed the week I had my first child and passed when I was 5 months post-partum with my second, which was 2 days before my birthday. The year before she died my partner, son and I moved in with her, to spend as much quality time with her as possible and also to help her. We are still in the house we lived in with her, her room is how it was when she left. I haven’t even unpacked her hospital bag.

I am an only child and don’t have a relationship with my dad. It has always been her and I against the world! Mum was my best friend, she made me laugh more than anyone and gave me such an amazing life.

The grief I feel is unbearable. I cry every day, am irritable with my children and partner and just don’t see a way forward. Everyday feels harder than the last. I keep replaying in my head how much she suffered, and how she wasn’t ready to die. I just miss her so intensely, I don’t see how it will ever possibly get easier. I also feel so sad that she won’t get to see her grandkids grow up. Everything just feels impossible.

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[VMToby]

Jessesh,

I am so sorry about the loss of your Mum at such a young age (62) and so quickly and when you are in an important time of your life becoming a Mum twice.
Feeling angry is so part of grieving particularly in your situation – you are an only child and your Mum was everything to you.

At six months the reality of the loss of your Mum is being realised by you and the way forward is not easy.
Also it is so hard to see the one we love the most suffer and also that she did not want to die.
It makes sense that you are struggling at this time so be kind to yourself and say that you are doing the best you can navigating a new way forward.

Griefline is here every day, Monday to Friday 9-6pm and on the weekend from 12-6pm Victorian time on 1300 845 745.
Please call and talk to one of the volunteers.

Thanks for reaching out and being so brave telling your truth about how you are after the loss of your Mum.
All we can do when we navigate such a difficult loss is do our best and you are doing this.
Take care.

[vm-banksia]

Hi Jessesh,

I’ve been thinking about your post and wanted to gently check back in with you. The love and closeness between you and your mum comes through so strongly in the way you write about her. Losing someone who has been your safe place, your teammate, your best friend in the world can feel unimaginably disorienting.

What also stands out to me is that you are grieving while caring for two very young children and navigating postpartum changes at the same time. That is such a huge amount for one person to carry. It makes sense to me that you feel exhausted, overwhelmed, irritable, and like everything feels impossibly heavy right now.

I also wondered whether there may be moments where being with your children brings both comfort and pain at the same time. Comfort because they are part of your mum’s legacy and pain because of how deeply you wish she were here to see them grow. Those kinds of mixed emotions can feel so confusing and intense.

You mentioned not being able to unpack her hospital bag or change her room. There is no “right” timeline for those things. Sometimes our hearts know we are not ready yet. Grief often moves in its own time.

I know right now it may feel impossible to imagine things becoming more bearable. Many grieving people describe that feeling in the earlier stages — not because they will always feel exactly this way, but because the loss is still so raw and close.

I’m really glad you reached out here and shared some of your mum with us. Please keep being gentle with yourself where you can.

[VM_bookish]

I am so sorry for the loss of your mum, Jessesh. I can see from the way that you write about her just how dearly she was loved by you. I am sure she felt lucky to have you as her daughter, and your children as her grandbabies.

Six months feels like a long time when you’ve lost someone so important to you, but in grief terms, six months is maybe just enough time for the initial shock to wear off. You are still at the beginning of your journey with grief – I don’t say this to worry you, but so that you might afford yourself some empathy and self-compassion today.

When I felt really stuck in my grief, my counsellor offered me a gentle exercise that helped me find some compassion for myself. She asked me to imagine that a much younger version of me came to me today with this deep sadness, feeling completely overwhelmed with grief. How would I offer comfort to this younger version of me? What might I say to her? Maybe I’d wrap her up in a blanket and give her a big hug, maybe I’d try to ease her mind by watching her comfort TV show, or take her down to the pier to watch the tide come in. The idea is to offer some of that tenderness to yourself today. Sometimes when we’re in the thick of it and feeling deeply overwhelmed, it can be hard to afford ourselves that self-compassion. Often it’s easier to reach for when we’re imagining we’re supporting someone else, or in this case, a younger version of ourselves.

Be gentle with yourself. Take care.

[Author]

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