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Lost baby grandson now husband diagnosed with stage 4 cancer

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Home Forums Loss of a loved one Lost baby grandson now husband diagnosed with stage 4 cancer

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  • #21642
    heartbroken
    Participant

    May 2022: I was writing my first book, minding my 1 yr old grand daughter once a week, looking forward to the birth of a grandson in August 2022 and about to go on a long overdue road trip with my husband. Life was great.

    After a diagnosis of early onset menopause my daughter was excited to become a single mum. The IVF worked. I was over the moon.

    Then in the middle of May 2022 my daughter developed preeclampsia and had an emergency Cesarean. Her son was delivered at 26 weeks. My daughter was very ill, we could have lost her. After a rocky start both mother and son improved and grew stronger. After two weeks my daughter was walking on her own again and her son was off the ventilator and putting on weight. We felt confident that he was thriving and she would eventually take him home.

    At three weeks of age my grandson died of a hospital acquired infection. Our feisty, gorgeous boy was here and gone in an instant. My eyes are welling over as I write this bit. He was so very much wanted and longed for. It’s so incredibly cruel that a dirty needle or a careless procedure denied our little man the chance of a wonderful life.

    The excruciating pain of my daughter’s conversation with an undertaker about her baby son ashes keeps me awake at night, along with the anger I feel about his death.

    Ever since his death my daughter and I have been like zombies. We’ve been eating and sleeping badly, living in pjs and letting the TV wash over us. When I’ve been desperately low I’ve rung the Red Nose support line. That’s helped a lot, but they deal with the loss of a child.

    A week ago (ten weeks after we lost our grandson) my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in his lung and backbone. The cancer has metastasized from a stage 2 skin cancer that was removed from his neck three years ago. Back then he had radiation and the removal of lymph nodes. Today his specialist told him that this new cancer is incurable.

    I’m numb. It’s too much. Our lives have imploded.

    I’ve read all the grief counselling suggestions, have regular sleep patterns, eat a healthy diet, exercise every day even if it’s only a walk to the letter box. Why bother? WHY? What’s the point? The road ahead looks dark. My wonderful husband won’t see his grandchildren enjoy life. I’m wretched and heartbroken.

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  • #21643
    debsayge
    Participant

    Hello heartbroken friends,
    There are no words, just none! for your tragedy, each time I see new broken people here my heart just aches and opens up more and more….you and your daughter are beautiful and we are all here right with you, hold onto each other and just be e what you are so real so sad, we all are witness to your suffering now thankyou for your outpouring hearts, we will all be beside you….this is my hope for you to have loving people around you as this can soften the godawful pain just a little, at Times,the answer to every thing is just love that’s what we all here need thankyou for your trust, we are listening and holding you
    Love oh so much to you
    XxDeb (my sweet Sayge post)

    #21645
    VM-Cleo
    Participant

    Hi @heartbroken,

    Your story of a family touched by such devasation is so difficult to witness – I imagine only more difficult to experience – thank you deeply for sharing it. The loss of your deeply loved, anticpated and wanted grandson sounds immeasurable. To also witness your partners diagnosis alongside that leaves me shocked – your ability to write here is a testament to your internal well of strength.

    The early stages of grief are often curated by the numb feelings that you described and are a completly valid human response to so much tradgedy. Many other emotions force their way up, like furosity or the general low feelings at these times which make taking care of yourself quite difficult – I wonder how your sleep and eating are going since you wrote this post? You say you’ve been living like zombies which can sometimes snowball the feelings in grief. It can seem so trivial or silly to focus on those things, but they are a foundation from which you can grieve safely. Its so hard to see the point of these things when life has dealt you such a blow, but I see there is a time to give yourself some compassion, that you deserve to have your needs met and your body taken care of. Griefline uses the EAST framework as a guide for taking care of logistical things that seem so pointless compared to our grief, but really assist our healing:

    EAST – Connecting to Healthy Routines

    The road ahead does indeed look dark from where you are – I hope that by writing hear some light has found its way into your path. Nothing will ever be the same without your grandson, or your husband – but talking about it could also be helpful, you’ve already taken the first step by expressing yourself here on the forums. You can also call the Griefline Helpline any day on 1800 845 745, or seek professional grief and loss counselling.

    Keep writing this down, talking to those who can listen – we are here x

    #21745
    vmmax
    Participant

    Hello @Heartbroken.
    I am devastated for you. Such shock and grief must be incredibly difficult to feel right now. It sounds like you are making a fantastic effort, you sound very brave and strong. These habits you’re building now should support your healing, although sometimes we find something unique that works better for us, and that’s ok too. Self-care is vital and that can come in many forms! Have you, or both you and you partner, considered a grief counsellor and/or support group? Sometimes a little help from a professional can support these efforts and prepare you for what’s ahead.

    For your beautiful husband, have you considered that he (or both of you) could make things from him, for grandchildren to view or receive as they grow? If he is creative, perhaps he could make future gifts? Or maybe videos or cards? Many people find that this helps connect the lost loved one with the children. Making projects with or about lost loved ones to share with others can create a connection and way to honor those people.

    I hope you are able to find support to help you through your grief soon.
    T.

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