April 22, 2021 at 4:00 pm #14825ToniCParticipant
Last year in the middle of the COVID-19 epidemic my son passed away. He was 29 but stilled lived at home as he had mild autism. He went out to celebrate his birthday and never returned. We will never know exactly what happened that night but the coroners report had recorded that vomit was found in his airways. It was a great shock to us and our minds started racing and wanted to blame someone for his death. It’s now been nine months and our grief is just like it happened yesterday. The pain in the chest and the knots in the stomach can be unbearable. We miss him so much, we cannot believe he has gone. He was such a loving and caring person, not to just his family but to anyone he met. It is very hard for me to deal with it, my life has to go on as usual. I work casually, I look after my husband who is home from a workplace injury, my daughter suffers from anxiety, one of my sons broke up with his girlfriend and now has returned home and my other son came home to live when his brother passed and is a drug user and we are going through issues with him. I feel I cannot cope anymore, and if it wasn’t for my daughter needing me, I would probably end my life. My husband is driving me insane, he is on strong pain killers and it makes him useless so he relies on me to do everything. He gets very abusive verbally and it upsets me a lot. I just don’t know what to do.April 26, 2021 at 10:27 am #14875onlinecommunityKeymaster
Hello @ToniC, welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you for the loss of your son and for the many challenges you are facing.
Thank you for your courage in expressing what is going on for you right now. It sounds like life feels overwhelming, as you are not only dealing with your grief but on top of that, the intense needs of your family.
Your son sounds like he was a wonderful young man with a kind heart. When we lose someone we love so dearly with no clear understanding of what happened to them we call it an ambiguous loss. This type of loss can leave you searching for answers and can interfere with the grief process by delaying it or complicating it. This is perhaps one of the reasons for your grief feeling just as strong as it did at the start.
With all the demands placed on you by your family, we are wondering whether you have found time to attend to your own grief? There is only so much you can give of yourself before you will feel completely depleted and unable to deal with the smallest of issues let alone the complexities of dealing with your husband’s verbal abuse and your son’s drug issues.
That’s why practising self-care is so important. The ‘tips on coping with loss’ article on our Resource Hub is a good place to find ways to attend to your own wellbeing which will help build up the strength and resilience required to handle your family’s situation. Things like;
– Note down coping strategies on post-it notes to turn to when you’re struggling. Stick them to high-use items such as your computer, steering wheel or fridge.
– Identify your strengths and remind yourself of the challenges you have overcome before this. Change your self-image from a ‘victim’ to a ‘survivor’ and even a ‘thriver’.
– Express your thoughts and feelings. You can use the written word such as journaling, poetry or letter writing, or other expressive ways such as painting, photography, scrapbooking, dance and music.
@ToniC we hope you can find more time to practice self-care. Please let us know if these strategies are in any way helpful. Either way, keep posting – we are here for you to support you through all the complexities of the difficult grief journey you find yourself on. 🌸April 26, 2021 at 10:18 pm #14880GL friendParticipant
I am sorry to hear about your loss 🙁
You are going through so much and also being there for your family. I think you are a very caring and courageous person. Please try to look after yourself too. Sometimes healing comes from sharing stories. If you feel called to share stories about your son, please feel free to do so. Your family is blessed to have you and we are also here for you.
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