Loss of dear friend

[pipster]

I guess I’m just here to write it down and have someone or no one listen. I cared for my dear friend through her cancer journey to the day she passed on 18th May this year. I am essentially alone in my grief as sadly she was widely misunderstood by many who took no time to empathise and understand her. This leaves me with no one to talk to who I can say how much I miss her not being here anymore because essentially they don’t care. I am daily reminded and have flashbacks to her final hours and have so much guilt I didn’t ‘do enough’ to help her. She wanted to live and had so much she still wanted to achieve and I couldn’t do anything but watch her deteriorate before my eyes. Even my now wonderful partner doesn’t understand how sad I am and nor do I really let them see as it is met with a response of ‘you’ll be right, you have me now’. How can you understand if you have not sat at someone’s side who you love dearly during their final hours.. alone with only your tears for comfort. Just so very sad and wondering how long it keeps getting harder before it gets easier? That is all

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[VM-evie]

Hi @pipster
Thank you for sharing this—it’s clear how deeply you cared for your friend, and it sounds like her loss is so fresh and profound.
It must be incredibly lonely to feel like those around you don’t understand or connect with the depth of what you’re going through. Supporting someone you love through their final days is such a courageous and selfless act, yet it often leaves behind complex feelings of guilt and sadness. And it’s understandable that her memory, especially of her final hours, might replay in your mind as you try to make sense of everything.
It’s normal to question whether you “did enough,” even though, from what you shared, it sounds like you gave her the gift of your presence and love. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline, and it’s okay to feel that things are still hard—it doesn’t mean you aren’t moving forward; it just means this person meant so much to you. Please know you’re not alone in this, and we are here for you.
Please continue sharing on this forum or if you would like to speak to one of our volunteers on the phone you can ring our helpline on 1300 845 745 from 8am-8pm daily.

[VM_Sunshine]

I’m deeply sorry to hear about the pain and isolation you’re experiencing. Losing a friend, especially after being with them through such a challenging journey, can bring up many layers of grief and complex emotions. The weight of these memories, especially the final moments, can be overwhelming.

You might find some comfort in trying a few gentle exercises that may feel supportive:

1. Compassionate Remembrance
Set aside a few minutes each day to sit quietly, breathe deeply, and bring a memory of your friend to mind. Imagine her smile, her laugh, or something she loved. Hold that memory gently, letting it be as it is without needing to change or analyze it. You can place a hand on your heart if it feels comforting, acknowledging her impact in your life.
2. Allowing the Guilt a Space, Not the Lead
When guilt arises, try viewing it as a visitor. Imagine sitting across from it, letting it speak its piece without fighting it or agreeing with it. You might even say, “I see you, guilt. I know you’re trying to protect me.” Over time, this practice can make space for you to hold both the love you had for your friend and the limitations we all face as caregivers.
3. Creating a ‘Grief Anchor’ Object
It may help to choose a small object that reminds you of your friend—a stone, a piece of jewellery, or something she cherished. Carry it with you, and when you feel overwhelmed, hold it and breathe deeply, allowing it to be a quiet anchor for your feelings. Acknowledge, “This is a symbol of my love and my sorrow, both of which are part of me now.”
4. Connecting with Your Breath During Flashbacks
During flashbacks, try a grounding technique: focus on your breathing, feeling each breath as it enters and leaves your body. You can place your feet flat on the ground and feel its support. Whispering “I’m here, I’m safe” may help calm the nervous system. Gently remind yourself that the painful images are a memory, not a current reality.
5. Writing as a Way of Sharing with Her
Since you feel there’s no one to truly understand what your friend meant to you, consider writing a letter to her. Tell her about your day, what you miss, and even the feelings of guilt. This act of connection may ease the sense of loneliness, helping you process grief without needing others to understand fully.

Grief has its own timetable, and it often becomes softer and more bearable in its own time. For now, honouring these feelings and finding ways to share them—even if privately—can offer small moments of peace. And remember, you don’t have to go through this alone. Reaching out to a grief counsellor, even if just to have someone witness your pain, could provide a safe, compassionate space to talk openly and freely. You are not alone in feeling the depth of this loss.

[VM-alithos11]

Dear Pipster

I’m here to listen. Your story has not fallen on deaf ears by any means. I can only imagine the anguish you feel after having lost your friend that you cared for through her cancer journey, especially right to the day she passed away. Friendship is one of those most powerful gifts in life and having lost it can be a devastating situation.
Whilst you may feel alone in your grief, given that she was sadly misunderstood can make the loss feel even sharper and more lonely. This is does not have to be the case though… We here at Griefline are hear for you on 1300 845 745.
It brings sorrow to one’s heart hear you express just how much you miss your beloved, though misunderstood friend.
Especially when you are reminded with flashbacks of her final hours and become affected by unnecessary guilt of not having ‘done enough’ to help her. Being there for her disputes your guilt and be consoled that you did a lot more than most people would be inclined to do for somebody who may be deemed not easy to understand.

It’s touching hearing you write how she wanted to live and that she had so much she still wanted to achieve.
Unfortunately in our society we are surrounded by caring people who do not know how to support people during their grief
and may say things they believe ought to console but only end up hurting those they love dearly who are grieving.
Chalking it up to naiive ignorance can prove helpful, taking the sting out of the insensitivity toward your grief.

I understand just how sad and painful it may be for you and perhaps it might help to share some great resources with your partner from our website as to how to better support you.

How to support a grieving friend ebook

To answer your question as to how long it keeps getting harder before it gets easier would be impossible for anyone to truthfully or accurately answer but what I can personally attest to is that it will slowly but surely get easier and it’s incremental so its not always easy to notice.

Take care of yourself, we are here for you here at Griefline Helpline 1300 845 745 _ 8am to 8pm: 7 days (AEST) https://griefline.org.au/

[abc01]

Dear pipster,

I am incredibly sorry to hear of the loss of your dear friend this year. As someone going through loss myself, I just want to let you know not to allow anyone else to tell you how to grieve. It is a personal and private journey/process. Your partner is trying to support you. I understand that and that they might not know what to say to make it better for you, but want to make it better for you. But for the others who weren’t there for her, don’t get a say in how you mourn her. I can understand and empathize in having a very small pool of people I can talk too. That is why I have a psychologist through a Medicare Mental Health plan from my GP. It is allowing me to express my pain, my loss and my trauma. It isn’t fixing my grief, but it is allowing me the release of emotions, instead of sitting in them on my own. Posting here too, allows me to say what I need to in a safe place.

You are a remarkable person to have stood by your friend through an incredibly difficult life transition. I know of people who were alone in this process and passed alone too. You were there and that matters. You also have the knowledge of what your friend wanted out of life and there is an opportunity of making an enduring connection with them, by possibly completing some of them in their honor.

It is normal to go over the last days or hours with the one who passed. Asking yourself if you could do better and change something. But shoulda, coulda, woulda’s are a fight you can’t win. No one can turn back time. Or believe me I would of. That is why I think we feel guilt. You were there with them. You did the best with what you could do. They were not alone. And I think that is the most important part to note. They had your love and care and felt that. I think that is all any person wants in the end.

Now your life goes on without them in it and you are left with the memories and all the strong grief emotions. It is okay. It is all valid. It is all overwhelming. As long as you keep reaching out for support when you need it and allow the grief process to just do it’s thing one day at a time. Then you are doing your best. And that is all anyone can hope or ask for. It is okay to have okay moments and not feel guilt in them. Grief isn’t measured by the amount of tears you cry.

You might not find this helpful, but I have learnt to journal since my loved one passed. Little A5 or A6 notebooks from Kmart.
I have one where I bullet point my current overwhelming thought, just to get it out of my mind.
I have one where I write the current memory that is triggering my grief in that moment. Also hoping one day they may become memories to smile from.
And I have one where I write at the end of the day and take that to discuss with my psychologist. This one has been most helpful as it has helped me identify my purpose and direction now my loved one isn’t apart of life with me anymore. And it has been eye opening to read a weeks’ worth of entries. It isn’t easy to read over my sadness and pain, but shows me where I am at and what I am and aren’t ready for in this current moment. So I don’t push myself too far too soon.

I also talk to them too. I find this the best time of my day when I can look at their picture and just tell them how my day was. If it was crap, I say so. If it was crap because I miss them and am lost as to what to do about my grief, I tell them too. But I always end with I love you. I miss you. If you can’t talk to their photo, can you visit them where they were layed to rest? Or if you can’t go there, can you put something in your garden/balcony to honor and represent them and talk to them there? Even a concrete statue of their favourite animal from a garden centre. They can provide an enduring connection to your friend too and may help ease some of the emotions of not being able to talk to many people about her.

Does it get better? I like VM-alithos11’s answer. I personally believe grieving is far easier if you do it with help and support vs. On your own, it may get too much. I know in my own personal experience, that one day I don’t get it and grief is hard, overwhelming and unfair, but the next day I have a little bit more of an understanding or acceptance. It just happens overnight. But there is a bit of a wait in between these moments. But, I do know is that if I don’t deal with things the whole way through, they will come back around. So, there is no cheating grief.

Please take care of yourself and know you are doing your best. And that people here care how you are going.
ABC01

[Author]

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