Loss mum and now feel terribly lonely and scared

[lin01]

Hi there, my name is Lin and recently joined this griefline forum.

1 week ago, my mother passed away suddenly due to coronary heart disease. She was 70 yo. I was really devastated, upset, stressed, scared and did not know what to do. I have been best friends with my mum since I was a kid, now 37 years of age. I am embarrassed to admit it but I have been very dependant on my mother all my life. She cared for me, guided me and protected me. In turn, I always accompanied her everywhere and supported her. We live alone together.

Her sudden death has left me feeling depressed, very scared and alone. These feelings intensify at night. Unfortunately I don’t have any family or friends who can help me. I am pretty much on my own. I am partly to blame for this because I have never been very social and always depended on my mother for support. With her now gone, I don’t know how to overcome this.

I hope someone here can give me some advice as to how to tackle the feelings of being very scared and alone with no one to turn to?

Thank you in advance!

Topic

[greta23]

Hello Lin, I’m truly sorry for the pain you’re going through. Losing a mother is incredibly difficult, especially when she was not just a parent but also your best friend and support. It’s okay to feel scared and alone, and reaching out here is a courageous step. Consider seeking grief counseling or joining local support groups to connect with people who understand. Don’t blame yourself for relying on your mom; it’s a natural bond. Gradually, try engaging in small social activities to build connections. You’re not alone, and there are people who care. Take one step at a time, and be patient with yourself. Grieving is a process, and healing takes time. Sending you warmth and strength during this challenging time.

[VM-The Old Oak Tree]

Hi Julzey,

Thank you for sharing on our online forums. I’m very sorry to hear about the loss of your mum. And I’m sorry that this has happened so recently. It really sounds like you are suffering alot at the moment. Please be assured what you have described is very normal when people are grieving a huge loss such as losing a parent. It is normal to feel very overwhelmed and really sad. I’m really glad to hear that your work has been very supportive to you.

I think it’s worth acknowledging that at this point you are still very early on in your grief journey of course. And of course, when losing someone so special your grief journey will be an on-going process. It sounds like you are showing alot of strength right now as well. Taking care of your kids, trying to return to work already, and reaching out for some support.

I hope that you have someone to talk to. You are welcome to call Griefline’s caring Helpline on 1300 845 745, between the hours of 8AM – 8PM(AEDT) 7 days per week. Also regarding your interest in some advice and support, a good place to start may be an article within Griefline’s resource hub https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-grief/.
This article explores coping with grief, symptoms of grief, and goes through some tips about coping with grief.

Also, if you are in NSW or VIC it might be worth contacting our intake team via phone or email, to enquire about whether or not you may be eligible for one of our counselling programs. These involve multiple sessions with the same counsellor. And these services are free if you are eligible. Here are the details, phone (02) 8043 4965 or email [email protected].

Thank you for sharing today. Please continue to keep in touch via this Forum and look after yourself. We are here to listen to you and support you.

• This reply was modified 1 year, 1 month ago by VM-The Old Oak Tree.

[julzey]

I miss my Mum so much. I have turned to this forum to find some advice and support, I am not coping too well.every day is so hard. I tried to go back to work Monday, I buried her this Friday just gone. I couldn’t do it. I thought it would help with distraction. Work has been very supportive. My kids are doing really well. I just don’t have the motivation to do things any more. I can’t get myself back together. I want my Mum back. Just looking at something of hers brings tears. It’s heartbreaking. I can’t find any support groups face to face in the town I live. I’m having telephone counselling at the moment. I used to see mum every day now I can’t do that and I can’t accept it. I’m so numb.

[lin01]

Thank you VM Penny09. I will try to keep everyone posted on my progress.

[vm-penny09]

Hi Lin,

I was reading through this forum discussion and I was actually wondering how you are going now Lin01. Especially now that it has been a few months since your dear mother passed. It was lovely to see your new post. It was also great to witness the amazing support that you have received from others on this thread. A beautiful discussion.

It sounds like your church community has given you some comfort and purpose in finding social connection and support. I understand that this can be a long and difficult process. Getting to know new people and letting them in can be daunting especially since you are still in the early stages of grief and loss. Your mothers passing has a profound affect on your life right now and sometimes it can be so difficult to infuse yourself into a community of people with their own attitudes, beliefs and opinions about life and death. I just want to say how much I admire your ability to go reach out and not isolate too much.

It is such a basic need for a person to look for community to belong to and a role that defines them. Your mother was your world and your role as daughter and carer was so well defined. But now that this identity has been changed it is so understandable and quite normal that you find yourself feeling anxious and afraid. Going out to do even simply tasks can fill you with dread and panic.

As many have mentioned, Be kind to yourself. Keep heading out – take small steps. Do small errands and tell yourself its ok to be afraid and that the feeling will pass in a few minutes.

Remember to reach out to Griefline. There is also the Bereavement Support Group that you can apply to join. It’s free and online via Zoom. That way you can talk about the fear and anxiety you are feeling without the challenge of going out.

I look forward to reading more about your journey, as I believe there is great power in expressive writing toward healing emotional pain.

[lin01]

Hi everyone,
First of all, thank you kindly to everyone who has posted here with a reply to my original query. It’s much appreciated.

It is now close to 2 months since my mother’s passing away. I have made some progress by trying to connect to the religious community for some support.

I still feel quite scared now without the presence of my mother. In the past, she has always accompanied me whenever I do things (e.g. driving, shopping, going on vacation, banking, household matters etc.). I feel quite nervous now whenever I have to do these things alone and without being able to consult her for support or encouragement.

I would like to ask if anyone here has any advice on how I can deal with this and cope?

Many thanks in advance!
Lin01.

[VM-The Old Oak Tree]

Hi @Lin01,
I’m very sorry for your loss. Having read through this thread I can see that she was and still is very special to you. I noticed how you mentioned that the difficult feelings intensify at night time. And I want you to know that that is something that is very common for people who are grieving. Callers on the Helpline report that fairly often, that night time is the most difficult time. So it’s very normal.
And I think its also worth remembering that this has happened very recently. So its normal to feel lost and unsure as well. Of course, grief and bereavement doesn’t have a timeline, but this really is extremely early on for you. So I hope that you are able to be a bit easy on yourself by keeping that in mind. But of course, I also understand that its a really difficult time right now. You are suffering a very significant loss. And I want you to know that Griefline and the community members in this forum are here for you.
I can see that you’re aware of Griefline’s other services and resources, and I hope that at least knowing that they’re there is a comfort for you as well.

I wish you well Lin

• This reply was modified 1 year, 4 months ago by VM-The Old Oak Tree.

[lin01]

Hi Milkystars,

Thank you very much for all the resources and information links that you have posted above. I truly appreciate your advice and assistance. I also encourage others to have a look if in a similar situation to me.

I will certainly review this information and the links once I get over the initial grieving period for my mum.

Thank you everyone here at Griefline!

Lin.

[VM_MilkyStars_]

Hi Lin,

I appreciate your effort to reach out at such a painful time in your life. Given how close you were to your mother, it is only understandable that you are undergoing the grief you are going through.

Grief is quite complex and multi layered. On some days it is normal to feel the need for that support which helps you navigate your emotions.

Griefline has a support group program in February. Here is the link for the expression of interest. It is an online bereavement support group. https://griefline.org.au/get-help/support-groups/ If you are interested then please fill out the form in the link.

This link https://griefline.org.au/get-help/find-a-grief-counsellor/ is another Griefline resource. In case you are looking for a counsellor, this page has a number of options you can explore. The list of grief counsellors are from across Australia. They are however listed state-wise.

This website on self-compassion is quite resourceful on self-kindness. https://centerformsc.org/what-is-self-compassion/
I find that the tool of self-compassion goes a long way in times of loss. This website helps me in navigating my daily life through grief. They have a meditation on Grief

https://www.compassioninstitute.com/free-media/ (meditations)

https://centerformsc.org/blog/ (to read)

Another great resource https://self-compassion.org (both to read and practice)

Self-kindness goes a long way in times of grief.

After some time has passed you might want to try, Local community groups such as local council gardening groups, meet-up website has some groups you might want to join, your local neighbourhood house (another council initiative) might have a social group which might be able to support you with what you are going through right now. Given you are still young, you might be able to travel if you find a social group a bit far but helpful. At times of grief people often find volunteering for a cause close to their heart helps them feel better. As it adds meaning to their life and how they feel generally. It makes you leave your house, gives you a sense of purpose and connect with community. All of the above which is meaning, purpose and connection, all add to your wellbeing in times of grief. If I had your postcode I might be able to look up some resources for you, like local groups etc. You have mentioned that it has only been a week since your mother’s passing so all of the above can wait until some time has passed. It is too soon to be taking any action, right now it is your time to allow your grief. There is no one specific way to grieve. We all grieve in different ways. We must allow ourselves the non-judgmental space to go through what we are feeling at a time like this.

Please feel to reach out to us between 8 am and 8 pm 7 days a week on our Helpline 1300 845 745.

https://www.healthdirect.gov.au/mental-health-helplines (These helplines are for times outside the hours of Griefline, since you mentioned your nights are hard to get through) You do not have to be alone in your difficult experiences. Keep sharing with us and we are here for you. 🙂

[lin01]

Hi Mars, thanks for sharing your story too.

I do agree and empathise with how you feel. Despite reaching out for support through church and some free grievance counselling, I still miss my mum terribly and don’t know how to move on without her.

Sometimes I wonder why she had to die so early and leave me behind? What is God’s plan for me? It’s an awfully long road ahead in life without my mum.

I miss her and love her very much.

[Author]

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