Jail

[christineking]

Hello,
I have fallen in love with a man I met while doing volunteer work. I had no idea of his past but after a few months of us enjoying working together, we went to have a coffee, which is when he told me that whilst he does feel an attraction to me, as I do to him, that there was something I needed to know. He committed a crime – let’s just call it a white-collar crime. He deserves to go to jail, says so himself, is mortified by what he’s done and doesn’t think he could ever apologise enough to the people whose lives he has affected. I believe he is sincere and I’m hoping nobody gets on here to tell me I should run a million miles away, because I’m not going to. I will if it feels like the best thing to do, but at this point I believe I’ve met someone important in my life – someone who has stuffed up badly but who genuinely wants to make amends for it. The week after we had that coffee and he’d told me everything, I said I wasn’t going to walk away from him. That’s because of many things, including his honesty with me in letting me know all about it, and because of everything I’ve learned about him before that time and since. He is now in jail and will be there for four years. I miss him terribly for so many reasons. I cannot concentrate, sleep properly or get enthused about the things I usually do in everyday life. I haven’t told him that because he’s still coming to terms with everything. I will have to tell him at some stage because I can’t do this for four years. I’m not familiar with the prison system, neither is he. We’ve started writing to each other but without seeing him, without us being able to talk to each other, spend time together, I don’t know how I would cope, because of my feelings for him. But what’s the alternative? Just walk away and say no, no, this is too difficult?? I don’t know where they will end up putting him after the observation period in medium security is over. It’s possible he doesn’t know that yet either. He started serving his sentence a bit less than 2 months ago. Everything is in limbo. I cannot bear the thought that we may never at least try to see whether we are a good match together. How on earth can we do that? I’m sure it’s possible but The System will get in the way at every turn. He has loved ones that take priority for the visit list. In time, we may be able to have visits but I don’t know if or when. I can only presume that he will do whatever he can to make that happen. We have told each other that our friendship is a special one, talked about the possibility of being together, but we are not a couple. I’ve looked up some support services online but it’s mostly centred around family. I’m a friend he cares about, but I’m not family. I am not his wife or his girlfriend. I can’t do this for the next four years. On LIfeline they always ask about suicide – no I don’t want to do that. But I am starting to think I’m sick of trying. If his and my connection just fizzles out, I will never be the same.

Topic

[vmstitch2025]

Hi Christine,

What you’re describing sounds incredibly heavy, and it makes sense that you are feeling overwhelmed. Caring deeply for someone who is now physically and emotionally out of reach and not knowing where to go, or what to do, can be exhausting and painful.

Grief in these circumstances can affect sleep, concentration, motivation and your sense of self, just as you’ve described. It doesn’t mean you’re weak, it means you’re human.

You don’t have to decide everything right now. It’s okay to take this one step at a time and acknowledge that four years feels overwhelming when you’re standing at the beginning of it. Knowing that you may not be able to endure this indefinitely is a very human place to be.

You also deserve some support. There are counsellors who work with people experiencing this type of ambiguous loss, and they can give you a space that is just for you, where you don’t have to minimise what this is costing you emotionally. Feeling “sick of trying” is a sign of emotional exhaustion, not of hopelessness or failure. Reach out for ongoing support while you work out what you need and what is sustainable for you. You don’t have to carry it by yourself.

[vmmaggie]

Correction to last sentence sorry ‘ensure such a situation’ should be ‘endure such a situation’

[vmmaggie]

Dear Christine
Thank you for your online post and for sharing around the impact of your current experience – its complexities and ambiguities.

The sudden loss of closeness, certainty and any future possibilities – the physical absence sitting alongside the psychological absence must be all consuming!
It sounds very normal that you are grieving the abrupt interruption to a relationship you were beginning to explore, and questioning your own sense of identity.

Grief can re-wire our brain, impacting our sleep, concentration and motivation. Whilst four years may seem overwhelming given where you are now, refraining from making hasty decisions is also important.

Understandably you are wanting to try. At the same time, reflecting and questioning your ability to ensure such a situation is very normal.

[Author]

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