I lost my husband nearly 6 years ago ….. I want to miss him but I don’t

[robynwells]

I lost my husband coming on to 6 years ago. We had 10 years of happy marriage but in the last 10 years he became nasty, controlling and demanding. He died of Mesothelioma after a two year illness so his death was not entirely unexpected. I was sad of course. I did what I had to do to support my four children and keep life on track. I was, as they say, strong. For the first couple of years I had moments of really missing him.
My children have all left home now. I have a good job, great friends and a connection with my community. I’m even getting used to the loneliness!
My trouble is that I feel guilty. When I think of my husband I can remember the good times……but I can remember the bad too. Being yelled at, put down, not trusted. Feeling like I was walking on eggshells, not knowing what sort of reception I would get when I came home. Feeling like I had to constantly protect my children from his ranting. Feeling tired and down-trodden, and not being able to understand what had changed, what had caused this dramatic change in his behaviour.
We had a great palliative care team. The counsellor addressed my husband’s narcissistic tendencies with me and tried to convince me that none of his behaviours were my fault. I know that but still to this day I don’t understand why he was like that.
So why do I feel guilty? In my home there are no photos of my husband. When I hear people say they would give anything to just spend a few moments with their deceased loved one I don’t feel the same. My life is better now than it was for half of our marriage. I think I grieved before he died. I feel like I lost him years before the cancer got him.
Yesterday I found our digital photo frame and I started looking at the photos. I couldn’t look at them. I couldn’t look at his eyes. All I saw was nastiness and it brought back memories of the bad times even though most of the photos were of good times.
I wish I could miss him but I don’t. I miss him taking the rubbish bins out, helping with the cooking, fixing things etc but I don’t miss HIM! And I feel so guilty for that.
I also don’t understand why now, after almost 6 years. I’ve not given it much thought before – not dwelled on it like I do now. Now I want to cry, yell, throw things….do something! but I just seem incapable.
Despite everything, I loved him so, so much. I just wish I could understand why he was the way he was and why I’m the way I am now.
Writing helps. That’s got to be a good thing hey!

Topic

[vmmax]

Hi Robyn,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us all here. It sounds like what you experienced was complicated, confusing, and difficult. What you are feeling is completely normal and you have been very strong to get to where you are today!

Those feelings sound very difficult to experience. On the subject of guilt, sometimes our emotions don’t always make “sense”. This is an emotionally confusing experience for you. It is understandable that, although you did love who he was in the first 10 years of marriage, after he changed so did your relationship with him and your feelings towards him. It is COMPLETELY VALID to not miss abuse or your abuser, and it is normal if you still feel love for him too.

If you continue having these strong emotions and find them difficult to manage, please feel free to reach out to us here or through our helpline. Are you still in contact with a counselor who can help guide you through this? If not 1800RESPECT also have a counselling helpline dedicated to guiding those who have experienced domestic abuse and would be happy to help with those complicated feelings that are coming up.

Thanks.
T.

[VM- cookie]

Hi Robyn,

Thank you for sharing and I just want to acknowledge your courage in reaching out to us.

Like what Max said, what you’ve experienced sounds really difficult, and your feelings are normal.

I’m wondering if you would like to share more about how you’ve been coping lately? We are all here to support you, feel free to reach out on the forums, or call Griefline (1300 845 745) from 6am to 12am AEDT.

Take care.

[Author]

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