I keep seeing him every where.

[abc01]

Hello All,
For weeks I have been trying to get my medication balanced and not have any significant side effects. Now that I finally feel like I have, I feel like a grief wave of sadness has swamped me.

I see him everywhere. Everything reminds me of a memory of him. Every song has lyrics that make me sad. From the second I wake up,to the minute I go to sleep and even sometimes in my dreams.
The change of the season makes me miss him more. He would be so active right now and everything is sad and lonely and quiet.
I am starting to hate the sunshine.
It is so intense. The sadness and the longing.

Hoping people are fairing better.
ABC01

Topic

[abc01]

Dear VM-Rose33,

Thank you for your reply and post.

The only times I am not in that moment is if I am at the shops with a list in my hand to get those things or driving my car,as I have to focus. I don’t get respite if I am at home at all. The answer is distraction with a purpose. I can walk my dog,but still have thoughts filling my mind.Being out of home mentally and physically fatigues me,even if it is only 3 hours. But I only need to go shopping once a week.

I will bring this up with my mental health professional this week,as this is getting a little too intense for me and my body has started,again, feeling sore on my skeletal muscles. I feel like I have spent a whole day running or picking up boxes and moving them and I have just been lying on my bed. If my body is locking up again, the pain is another dimension of my issues.

I am sure it isn’t uncommon for people to feel like people aren’t there for them,when they need it the most. And that it isn’t uncommon for other people to not know what to say or do. Or if you even want that social company. I am not asking for much,but if I don’t have the answers, I am pretty sure they don’t either,or they would have shared it with me.

Thank you for your support. And I sincerely hope others never have to go through the pain I am, from the circumstances of my beloved cats death. However since I started posting, I have read 2 others who have a similar pain. And I hate that for them.

Grateful,
ABC01

[vmrose33]

Dear ABC01

I am so proud of you for going and sitting in the backyard in his spot and expressing some of your grief. I can hear how hard it has been for you to face going out there.

It sounds like you don’t feel able to stop those thoughts about the events that day of his passing? That is a common part of grief that people can experience. Are there any times when you can think about other things? If so, I’m wondering what is different about those times?

It can really hurt when those close to us are unable to hear and accept our pain. Thank you for sharing your experiences here, I am sure it is helpful for many others to read your words.

vmrose33

[abc01]

Dear Vm-Cody24 & VM-heartemisia,

Thank you for your replies.
I had a flashback last night that was particularly hard. It is like I am stuck in that day over and over. I was so distressed that I have slept most the day today because being awake is too hard.

But after dinner I went outside and thought about what VM-heartemisia said. So I went and sat next to one of his favourite concrete statues in the backyard and stared across the backyard. As I looked at the view he would have, whilst touching the statue,where his paws always touched, I cried. I saw “His” yard. And I sat there and mourned him from his favourite spot. I have been avoiding the backyard. If I didn’t let him outside that day,perhaps he would still be here. The shoulda,coulda, woulda’s that run through my mind, are ones I can’t win. I am trying not to blame myself. And I certainly don’t blame him. Perhaps sitting in his place and crying will be another step in my grief for him. As I left I told him I missed him.

I love him so much and miss him so much. It has been nearly six months. I don’t know how to block out those memories from the day he passed. Is that even healthy? They will eventually resurface if I do. But this grief is mine. And I refused to be pushed to be somewhere I am not.

Thank you for your kindness and talking with me. It helps as I feel like I am being actively avoided by the people who are supposed to love me. And that is hurtful too. I journal. So hopefully getting it out of my head and down on paper can help.

Thank you,
ABC01

[VM-Cody24]

Dear abc01,

Hearing your story made me think about my 2 beautiful cats that I lost. They were my babies before I had human babies. I can still feel the way they would rub their head against my leg or purr in my ear when they slept on my pillow.

Your story conveys so much love.
You have been so courageous and honest in sharing your experience.
It is comforting to know that you acknowledge that your grief needs space to allow you to process the loss. That takes real strength.

vm-heartemisia has suggested some beautiful resources and self-care strategies.

I hope you will be kind, compassionate and patient with yourself. Your experience is unique for you. Take the time you need to express your grief but also take the time you need to look after yourself.

I hope you can find the things that give you comfort and lean into those when you are feeling down.

Your experience matters so please use this Griefline Forum or call the helpline if you want to speak to someone.

[abc01]

Dear vm-heartemisia,

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful response.
I am having a hard time being outside,especially on the side of the house where he died. I don’t want to avoid things,but I also don’t want to re-traumatise myself either.

Songs are REALLY hard right now. And then they become “earworms” that repeat the lyrics that make me sad over and over again and I can’t stop it from happening. Sometimes I have to sing another song over it,louder until it is gone. Other times I can’t get it too stop and it comes back again and again. Distraction is what I need. But if given enough alone time, I can go to some really dark places.

I do resent the season changing as I did with winter. My world view has been shattered and my confidence needs to build again. But the cost was too high. His life was the cost. So it is hard to grieve and deal with depression, anxiety and ptsd at the same time and I am overwhelmed. I know I can only do what I can each day. And that is the best that I can do. But I see other people around me not being scared of life and daily living and I am envious. I see other people with kitty litter in their trollies and I hate them.

I know my boy is never coming back, but the ME I was with him and the ME I am today are very different.And who I will be after I work through everything won’t be the same. Perhaps I am grieving the loss of that too. Because I was so happy.And I could recognise and be appreciative inside everyday I had with him too.And I don’t get many opportunities to be happy in my life.Or recognise them when they were happening. But I did with him,as my old gentleman cat passed away before I met my boy. I knew to love and celebrate everyday I had with my new kitten,because I missed my old gentleman so much. My old gentleman’s passing had taught me to not take even a second for granted. So I loved my boy hard and to have found him that day,and already dead broke my mind,my body and my soul.

People in my household are finished their grieving for him and have moved on with their lives. But their relationship with him,was not even a 1/4 of what mine was with him. But I have been told that I am now taking to long for them to “get over his death and move on”. So it is hard and I feel so alone.

I want to grieve healthy and fully. My cat deserves that and so do I as his life was cut short and stolen from us.
So things are complicated and I feel that.

Thank you for listening. I am not saying no to your suggestions,but maybe I need to find other ways to do what you have offered.
ABC01

[vmheartemisia]

Hi ABC01,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing your experience. Firstly, I want to commend you on prioritising your own health and wellbeing. That can be incredibly difficult when we’re grieving. It is completely understandable that you have felt a new wave of sadness now that your health is more stable. Experiencing health concerns at the same time as grieving a huge loss can be very overwhelming. Sometimes, in periods of overwhelming stress our bodies don’t let us fully feel our feelings until we’re in a more secure place.

It sounds like your cat really enjoyed the warm weather and sunshine that spring brings with it. From what you’ve written, you resent the change of seasons because your cat isn’t around to enjoy it. It’s natural to feel this resentment especially when you’re still devastated by this recent loss.

With that being said, I wonder whether this could be an opportunity to honour your cat’s memory. Sometimes when we experience the things that our loved one enjoyed when they were alive offers a way to understand who they were and make you feel closer to them. For your cat, you could consider sitting in or near his favourite spot outside and journal or write a letter. In these letters you can draw, describe your dreams, write down the song lyrics that remind you of him, or write down your memories. Alternatively, you can curate a playlist of the songs that remind you of him and listen to it on a walk along his favourite streets or places you think he’d enjoy exploring.

You can invite people to bear witness to whatever way you choose to honour your cat’s memory. For instance, you can share letters or a playlist with the people supporting you. You can read the letters and journal entries out loud during a session to a therapist or counsellor. Feel free to post them in our forums or call Griefline and read them aloud to a volunteer. Alternatively, you do not have to share them with anyone at all. You can keep them somewhere special for your eyes only, or you can lay them down at your cat’s memorial.

For more information on the benefits of journaling about your grief, visit: https://whatsyourgrief.com/5-benefits-of-grief-journaling/

Griefline recommends Grief – a guided journal by Jo Betz for those wishing to explore their grief through writing, after the death of a loved one. This can be found at: https://www.jobetz.com.au/products/grief-a-guided-journal

Thank you for your post, and please reach out to Griefline whenever needed. Here is the phone line number if you would like to speak to someone further: 1300 845 745 (8AM-8PM)

[Author]

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