How to deal with my anger?

[abc01]

Hello,
Today I am particularly angry, although it has been growing for all this week.
I feel like people around me do stupid things and it is partly why I lost my soul cat. They didn’t watch him that day. I know it wasn’t any of their faults factually, however they keep doing stupid things that put my other pets in uncontrolled situations. All I can see now is the dangers around us. But all they see is me and my anxiety. They don’t even take into consideration the rational side to what I am saying. I acknowledge that I am sensitive to their safety now, but how can I not be? If they keep doing unthoughtful things, how am I ever supposed to trust them to do what I ask if I get a new furry friend? I have been told, they will do whatever I ask, however that was when he first passed. But as time moves on from my soul cat’s death, they are only proving to me that I can’t get a new friend. And it makes me angry that they go about their life’s and aren’t even aware that I am not okay. His death punished me. He got ripped away from me. Others have moved on, but I can’t, not today. It makes me angry that I have to put out spot fires with our animals for their safety. I could tell them, but it would just start conflict. It has already. They are all small things that they don’t notice or take into account. But I do and it makes me so angry. And then I have to sit in that anger. For the rest of my life, I will remember that day. And even today, I look around and notice how he isn’t here. And I am not comfortable with it. I am not okay. And for the rest of my life, I will always have questions that can’t be answered and longing that won’t get an answer. The whole thing just makes me angry. And I only have a handful of coping techniques to try to work through it.
Thank you for listening,
ABC01

Topic

[abc01]

Dear vmrose33,
Thank you for your response and helpful feedback.

Communication can be tricky. And I will address this with my health professionals further.
I will keep up with my coping strategies, as well as letting my feelings be as they need to be.
My anger is a trigger when any person talks about my boy or how he died. But there are reasons for that. But that is okay too.
Thank you for talking me through some tough days.
It is much appreciated.
ABC01

[vmrose33]

Dear abc01

Grief and emotions can be painful and tough and I don’t think your anger is irrational. A lot of people find grief (and emotions) uncomfortable and don’t know how to respond, but that doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you having them.

I am glad that you have found some benefit from supportive health professionals. You’ve mentioned before that you have a handful of coping techniques, it can take a lot of practise but there are some really good ones for managing overwhelming emotions and panic attacks.

I can hear that you value keeping good relations with your housemates, but also are learning to set clear boundaries. True, you can’t control other’s actions but sometimes there are things we can do to set boundaries and make it easier for them to adhere to. That might be something one of your health professionals could help you with? Of course I don’t know your situation as well as you do. Communication and living with other people can be pretty challenging.

Take care,

vmrose33

[abc01]

Thank you vmrose33,

Thank you for reading my reply and responding to it kindly.
It is nice to be heard and acknowledged that I am not being unreasonable or irrational, as I am directed to believe I am by people around me. Even though I never believe it. I am not one to be gaslighted. My worst fear has come true (and they know it was a fear and it happened) and I won’t let it be brushed under the carpet and the same thing happen again. I just can’t understand how they just haven’t learned anything from my beloved boys death. So the answer may be that I can’t have another furry friend in this current place that I live. I can’t leave here for a long while either. My animals are apart of my identity and it hurts to think that maybe the end of an era for me. To mourn my soul cat and then mourn this ending of who I am. At least for a long while.

Thank you for your suggestions of creating a enclosed area,but I simply won’t be allowed to build anything like this. I never have been.

I was incredibly angry from the time I originally posted and to the reply that you have responded too. I was so angry I almost had panic attacks with my breathing on multiple occasions. And I cried for days.
I have since spoken to health professionals about this topic and calmed down my emotional response to these questions. I still believe that my concerns are valid and that they will not be heard by others around me in my home. It is being backed up even today. So I guess I will have to wait and see what happens. I will try my best to keep them out of harms way as I always have, my animals, but I can’t control someone else’s actions. But their actions can break relationships. They have been warned. I will not be as kind or gracious as I have been in the death of my beloved boy. I didn’t and still don’t want to hate people here as this is where I live and I know I would hold onto that hate for the rest of my life.
But now, there is too much at stake with my mental health and if it means our relationship becomes strained or broken, they have brought it on themselves, from now on. A crystal clear boundary.

Thank you for answering me in a truly hard moment in my life,
It is much appreciated.
ABC01

[vmrose33]

Hi abc01,

Thanks for explaining, and no I didn’t find your reply to overwhelming. That sounds very stressful for you that they aren’t as careful and diligent in ensuring your animals’ safety as you are, and I can understand why you find it hard to be able to trust them to help you in keeping a potential new family member safe. I can hear that you love your family members and they mean well and know what to do, but are not as attentive as you are or as aware of all the risks. They have other things going on that take their attention and you know from experience how easy this can lead to disaster.

I wonder if there could be some ways for you to lessen the risks, knowing that their diligence may not increase to the levels you need? For example, could they all help you to install some cat netting to keep a part of the yard (extending a bit outside the door at least) free of predators? I understand that it doesn’t happen very often (that they do things to endanger them), but you are carrying that worry/fear constantly that it might, which is a lot for you.

Take care
vmrose33

[abc01]

*The next ten years we should have spent together in life. I will have at least forty without him and this horrific memory to carry with me through mine.

[abc01]

Dear vmrose,

Thank you for your reply and understanding.

“They”, that I refer too, is my family that I live with, in the family home. All adults. And not young ones either.
I was told, when my beloved cat was killed in May, that my word would be law when it came to another cat being in our home again. And too a tee. No negotiations.

However, I have a small dog who is elderly now and they ignore my wishes/authority on how she is to be treated in all aspects. They can’t even keep her in the backyard safely. We have an enclosed backyard with gates that can only be unlocked with a key. There is no access to anything for climbing. No areas for digging. Yet they dismiss me and my outlined care for her. If my dog didn’t have me, I believe she would have passed away by now. I always,as I always have with all my past animals,have education of what is toxic to them, in and outside of the house. I spot it if it comes in, and immediately remove it so they can’t come in orbit of anything bad for them. I have diligence in care of them.I am always picking things up off the floor so they can’t be ingested. Make sure water gets changed if people spray fly spray around a room. I check outside the gate before I open to take the dogs for a walk,as to not walk straight out onto another dog being walked.I take them to the vet for annual vaccinations, allergy injections and arthritis injections. If I feel something is wrong, take them to the vet to get checked out. Even when it costs so much money. And because I know how to read them, I am always right in making that decision.I sacrifice for myself,so I can pay for them.

They just think everything will be okay…because it has never happened to them “before”. Or that they will come good and don’t need to waste money. Or what percentage does that actually happen?

However MY cat was killed because “the dogs next dog have never dug under the fence “before” and my cat would never go near that hole”. Yet my cat was shaken to death by the dogs next door and his body was dumped near the fence,in which I had to find him.I can’t imagine the fear he must have felt.
They never see the danger before it happens. They allow the chips to fall where they may and the hell with the collateral damage. As long as it is not them. It is so arrogant.

I did everything I possibly could to keep my beloved boy safe and well for 3.5 years and he still died,because someone let him outside,shut the door and then went and played their computer,until 3 hours later,when I got home,and asked where he was, and they said outside. I immediately went outside to find them. The back door closed entirely. And I did find him and then my entire world crashed down on me. I have since been diagnosed with Depression and PTSD. I became suicidal for goodness sake. And yet they still take no fore thought into the animals. I told them, if you let the cat outside,you MUST check on him often to make sure he is okay and not in any trouble. It is the responsible thing to do.

They keep proving over the last 7 months that they haven’t learnt a single thing from my boy’s death. “Before” has to happen and it only takes a split second decision and then it is too late.

And now I can’t believe their empty words of safety for my “next” cat. All I have is anxiety and distress. I worry about my dog if I go out. They tell me the cat can be indoors only. But my beloved cat got past people when he wasn’t allowed outside (like at nighttime or in the raining cold or boiling hot days)and they would call me to come and get him, like they didn’t have arms or legs. So I deep down know that I cannot have another cat. Not in this house and I was probably lucky to have had my beloved cat as long as I did,with their blasé attitude. They just don’t want to do the work, even if I am not asking for much. And they keep having this blasé attitude.

We have a bird too. The bird is not ours and still the owner’s instructions are not being respected. They just do what they want. I have told the owner about this and they believe as we are doing them a favour,that they don’t want to say anything.

And I am angry. Really angry. I know it wasn’t their fault, and I know deep down that they are not bad people,and I do love my family memebers. It was the dogs next door and the owners for allowing their dogs to dig in their yard. They really took shocking care of them and were problem dogs for our neighbourhood, barking for hours a day. They came from the country and were confined to a small backyard. I know our cat was safe in our yard and enclosed. It was a normal day for us. Two years next door to these neighbours without this problem. But my cat went outside and never came back home,alive. It doesn’t matter if my cat had a part in this, it was human negligence that allowed him to die that day.

I don’t know how to have this anger in my grief, when I know it will be dismissed to my face. How to deal with the disrespect I feel has fallen on my boy,from their current actions and how to ever feel safe in my own home again. Because that day,something I loved and cherished dearly, a purpose for me in my life, was brutally stolen from me, and now I do not feel safe in my own home, in my own space. And “they” are not helping me in anyway to feel calm or reassurance. I don’t know what to do?

And in my opinion anger in grief is the worst, because for me it is always followed by overwhelming sadness. And I am stuck in this Groundhog Day cycle. I sincerely hope others are not suffering the same as I am.

Thank you for reading and I am sorry if it is too overwhelming,
ABC01

Edit: They are not doing things every single day that endangers them. However they do stupid things that have the potential to become problematic and possibly fatal. Like leaving a garage door open and my dog is now on the street. Or allowing people to walk in and out of a door that leads to outside whilst the bird is out of it’s cage. Ect. Not a “real” problem until it ends in a consequence. However I learnt from my cat’s death,that if there is even a percentage,it is too high a risk. Because the consequence was his life and the next ten or more of mine,without him.

• This reply was modified 3 months, 4 weeks ago by abc01. Reason: Explaining I am not in immediate danger

[vmrose33]

Dear abc01

I hear that you are feeling angry toward people for their careless/stupid actions, and having to sit in that anger feels wrong, unjust and painful. When you look at the world you see all the dangers that are present because of their actions, yet feel as though the world doesn’t understand, instead it judges you for being anxious and irrational. Which seems very unfair since you try so hard to be careful and considerate. It can be very hard to cope with the reality that people around us have differences in behaviours especially when they impact severely on others.

It sounds like the conflict that can come from direct discussions is too stressful, and it is preferable to you to avoid this. Can you share a bit more about who you mean by ‘they’, and what actions you need from them in order to feel safe and trust a new furry friend would be safe? I am wondering if this might be a good place to brainstorm with others some ways to protect yourself and your loved ones from their specific behaviours?

Kind regards
vmrose33

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