Grief and trauma due to DV

[idrk1980]

3 months ago my wife set fire to my house while myself and 2 children (10 and 12), slept upstairs. She removed the smoke alarms so they wouldn’t go off. The smoke woke me up. I screamed out FIRE! and the kids woke up instantly. They cried out help us help us dad…. I had to run down the stairs that were on fire then start putting it out.

My wife’s been charged with 1 count of arson and 3 counts of attempted murder. Remanded in custody.

I’m still trying to process what happened and living one day at a time. I cannot work due to grief/trauma and have gone on single parent pension. I’m lonely and isolated and keep riding these relentless waves of sorrow. I miss her terribly.

To see my best friend and life companion for the last 16 years end up in jail is simply heartbreaking. She struggled with her mental health for years but would never accept professional help, which led her to blowouts again and again. The cycle has now ended but at a huge personal cost.

I don’t know what else I have to do to try and manage. I have support of my GP, psychologist, exercise physiologist and my immediate family but it seems no amount of mindfulness or self care can stop these grief waves. Apart from getting my kids to school in the morning I’ve been spending a lot of days in bed crying.

Topic

[VM_MichC]

Hello idrk1980,

Thanks for having the strength to reach out.

This experience I hear you are still processing has many elements to it. I see your loss and devastation, and managing at the moment sounds very overwhelming.
I can see you are taking care of yourself by allowing yourself the space to rest and cry. I see you are feeling lonely and isolated at the moment, but I can see the strength you have to reach out, and perhaps in time, your capacity to engage socially again will return. I can also see the strength you have getting up each day, and continuing to raise and care for your children. It takes a lot of strength to do all of these.

There are times, I find, that living one day at a time is all I can manage to do. It sounds like this is where you are now, and this is OK.
I share VM-Bodie’s curiosity about the information on the support available. Your psychologist, state victim services helpline, or 1800RESPECT might be able to offer insights into the different types of support available for yourself and your family.

Please continue to reach out.

Kind regards,
Michelle

Griefline 8am-8pm -1800 737 732.
Lifeline 24 hours 13 11 14

[VM-Blizzy]

Dear idrk1980,

A few weeks have passed since you have posted and wondering how you are coping? To see your partner charged and have to explain that to your children must have been hard. You are going through a very stressful time in your life and your mental health right now is paramount so that you can take care of your children.
Wondering with your supports in place if you have been able to set up a self-care routine to help you relax and feel refreshed to take on another day? Some people experiencing loss and grief do find that trying something different or even taking on a new hobby helps. Not sure how much time you have if you are looking after your children, but if you have some down time it might benefit you to do something you have never done before (for example: journaling, reading fiction, creative things like art, gardening or even learning a new skill).

Know that Griefline is always here for you if you want to talk on 1800 737 732.

Take care

[VM-Bodie]

Hi Idrk1980,

Thank you for sharing your story.

The heartbreak and sorrow you are experiencing must be immense. To experience loss under these circumstances is gutwrenching and I would like to offer my sympathy.

It sounds like you have got support around you who are providing immediate care, however, as you say the grief waves are still rolling in. I can’t offer any solutions to this as nothing can take back what has happened, but I can offer hope that you might find space for these feelings as time goes on.

You are supporting your children and being there for them as a parent, showing your resilience and strength. Given the circumstances, this is no small feat. As the days go on, maybe you can incorporate other activities or jobs around the house while they are at school, building upon your existing routine.

I wonder if you have been provided any information about domestic violence support you can access? 1800RESPECT is a national helpline that offers support for any Australian who has experienced DV. They might be able to offer insights into the legal process or general info if you have questions.

Griefline also has a national helpline 7 days a week (8AM-8PM). Our trained volunteers can provide a space for you to talk about your grief if you need it.

The numbers are here:
1800RESPECT – 1800 737 732
Griefline – 1300 845 745

Kind regards,
Bodie

[aaron]

I am so glad you have support from all those various sources, especially family.
I can only speak from my own experience of deep grief here – I am just another guy on the forum.
It is perfectly normal for you to continue to feel grief like this for much longer than anyone really expects. Until you have gone through it, I guess society tells us we can get over things very quickly. This isn’t often true. The more you loved someone you have lost, the more the grief I think. It must feel very complicated in your head.
What I am getting at is, don’t worry that it takes a long time. It will come in waves, but those waves will slowly get further apart, and while they may / or may not / get smaller, you _will_ get better at handling them.
How are your kids handling things? Are you all physically ok after the fire?
I found that trying to be there for my family in their grief was very helpful in my dealing with my own grief.

I hope the above is helpful.

[Author]

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