Difficulties with close relationships

[Kirsty]

Hello,
I have reached out to the Griefline as well as this forum, as I am wondering if anyone else has difficulties relating to their partner after loss?
My mother died 3 and 1/2 months ago. Since then, I have had to finish my studies and am now looking for more permanent work. Only now have I had the chance to slow down and begin to process my mother’s profound absence.
I am irritable most of the time with my partner, often wanting my own space and becoming annoyed at any change in my immediate environment. My partner works from home which means I hardly get the place to myself when I have free time (it is a small flat). He wasn’t close to my mother, as her health had been declining in the last few years and she didn’t cope with visitors. My partner never brings my mother up in conversation or refers to her. It is as if his life has stayed the same, and mine has catapulted into new territory. I have a general lower tolerance for a lot of things now, and I have anxiety about illness, suffering and financial security. I witnessed how well my Dad cared for my Mum. While my partner is calm, consistent and generally helpful, I am worried he will not be able to support or care for me like my Dad did.
Exercise is really the only thing that lifts my mood, but even that doesn’t last for too long.
Has anyone else experienced something similar in their immediate relationships?
Thank you

• This topic was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by Kirsty.

Topic

[Kirsty]

Dear Jeany and Pinnacle,

Thank you very much for your responses- makes me feel a bit less alone. I have since talked to my partner about my worries and concerns (e.g that I am irritable most of the time, the lack of physical space, and the need to increase my own (and his) financial security in order to find a more suitable place etc.). He takes it in to a degree, but I am not sure how he will act on it. He is very much “status quo” kind of person that lives in the moment- which is good for some things, but not all things.. He is also not a very busy person- he doesn’t do lots of activities, preferring his own space and things he is working on.I would like more space, but I don’t know how to cultivate this. It’s like I need a week away somewhere else…

I have spoken to some friends and I think I will try to find a psychologist again to talk about everything- because there really is a lot on in terms of new employment, looking out for my Dad and just getting through this year.

Thank you again for your help. If I need some more immediate support over the phone, I will ring Griefline.

Kirsty.

[VM_jeany]

Hi Kirsty,

Thanks for being so brave in sharing what’s been going on for you. I’m really sorry for your loss – losing a parent is such a significant and profound loss. From what you have shared, I can see how important your mother was to both you and your dad.

It makes sense that things are feeling unsettled right now. You’ve had a lot to manage – finishing your studies, thinking about work, and only now having the time and space to begin processing your mother’s absence. Grief is complex and very personal, and it often shows up in ways we don’t expect.

I’m hearing how irritable things have been feeling for you lately, and how your tolerance for everyday changes or disruptions is lower than usual. That can be a really common response in grief, especially when you’re feeling emotionally stretched. It also sounds like not having much physical space at home, with your partner working from home, is making it harder to find those moments of quiet or solitude that you might really need right now.

You also mentioned that your partner doesn’t bring your mother up in conversation, and that this feels like a big contrast to what you’re going through. That can feel quite isolating, especially when your world has changed so much. Sometimes partners avoid mentioning the person who has passed because they’re unsure what to say or don’t want to upset you, and their silence can be a way of giving you space to grieve.

I’m also hearing the concerns you have about whether your partner could support or care for you in the way your dad cared for your mother. It’s natural to hope that your partner would do the same after witnessing your dad set such a strong example of dedicated care, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable and navigating anxiety around illness, suffering, and financial security.

I’m wondering if your partner knows how you have been feeling with all of this, and what it would be like to gently let him know what would feel supportive right now, even if its in small ways? Sometimes partners want to help, but don’t know how.

And to your question, you’re definitely not alone in noticing changes in your relationship after a loss. Many people find that grief can create distance or tension with those closest to them, especially when each person is experiencing things differently. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with your relationship, but rather that you’re adjusting to a really significant change.

You’re navigating a lot right now, and it’s understandable that it feels this way.

Please feel free to let us know how things go here on the thread or you’re always welcome to call and speak to a volunteer whenever you need on 1300 845 745 Monday-Sunday 8am-8pm (AEST).

Take care

[VM_Pinnacle]

Hi Kirsty,

Thank you for sharing this and I am sorry for your loss. I’m really glad you reached out. Losing your mother and only now having the space to process that absence can feel like everything is catching up at once, especially since with everything you have been handling like finishing your studies and looking for work. At the same time, you’re navigating changes in how you feel around your partner and your living space which can be exhausting emotionally.

What you’re describing is something many people experience after a loss and your response is completely valid. Grief can lower our tolerance, increase irritability, and create a strong need for space and control, especially when the world already feels changed. It also makes sense that it feels difficult when your partner doesn’t bring your mother up. It can feel like your reality has shifted completely, while his hasn’t. Having a discussion with your partner where you can voice your feelings and openly share your thoughts is something that may be helpful, but if he does not discuss or ask there is no opportunity to do so which is why the annoyance is valid. All those feelings can remain inside when really speaking on them and opening up could be helpful. Your worries about support and care, especially after witnessing your dad’s devotion, are very understandable. None of this means there’s something wrong with you or your relationship, it reflects how deeply you’ve been affected by the passing of your mother.

Sometimes it can help to gently share with your partner what you’re needing right now. That may be that you need more space, or simply having your mother acknowledged in small ways. He may not realise how important that is for you and you should not have to navigate this alone, it’s okay that your needs have changed and I would hope your partner would be happy to care for you however he can. It’s also really positive that you’ve noticed exercise helps, even if the lift in mood is only brief, having a small anchor like that is important while everything feels like it’s changing. You can also call Griefline 1300 845 745, 9am to 8pm (AEST/AEDT) and share what you are going through with someone who can be there when you want someone to listen.

I hope you feel encouraged to continue sharing here about whatever you feel. Experiencing shifts like this after loss is not uncommon and you’re not alone. Whether it is about you mother, your relationship or even whatever is hardest that day, we are here for you.

[Author]

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