Compounding grief

[annsmith]

Hi, I’m nearly 70 and like Barry Humphries have become aware of joining a queue.. to the pearly gates.

My father died 9 years ago, I was there. My mother died a year ago and had advanced Alzheimer’s.. which was truly awful. I haven’t cried. I actually can’t cry as my tear glands have dried up.

My first friend died at 35, the next one’s.. 7, 5 and 1 year ago. I look at my older partner and wonder how long he has left and try to help him keep fit and healthy. So many star, celebrities and former work colleagues have died.. people I looked up to and learned from.

I ruminate about this and think about how to avoid a painful death or a death from Alzheimer’s.. and becoming dependent, difficult to look after and not myself.

How do others deal with encroaching thoughts of the death of more loved ones, and self? Do you cry over lost ones?

Grateful for your thoughts.

Topic

[VM-Rose]

Hello Annsmith,

Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly your story and thoughts around the mental impact the loss of your mum and other loved ones has had on you. I lost my grandfather to Alzheimers many years ago and I still miss him and hold him very close to my heart. Seeing someone I loved dearly deteriorating in front of my eyes was confronting and upsetting. I triggered awareness and fears of my own mortality and those around me so I can relate to your experience. I found talking through with a counsellor in a non-judgemental environment offered me space to share my feelings, thoughts and worries and was very helpful.
Since your original post have you found anything helpful in supporting you through this time?
Take Care

[vm-berry]

Hi Ann,

I am can hear how confronting this is for you to not only deal with the loss of your loved ones but also to reflect on your own age and mortality – I can see the strength within you to not only reach out but also offer support for others who are going through similar experiences as you. I wanted to normalise these feelings of grief, uncertainty and rumination.

My grandmother also has Alzheimer’s and I completely understand how frightening this condition can be – I cannot imagine the anticipation and fear that you must have felt, your feelings signify how much you care about your loved ones.

You mentioned that you have “lots of life left” in you, and I can see that you are holding on to that hope for yourself and also modelling this to others! You have made a great start by contributing to this forum!

Griefline is here for you!

[annsmith]

Hello Gill,

I’m sorry you have lost so many people in such a short time and now your love has terminal cancer.

At 60 you are not old – I am 70 and still have lots of life left in me. What are you doing for yourself at this difficult time? You need to take care of yourself as well as others.

Love Ann

[gill]

Hello Ann
I really understand how you are feeling.
I lost 9 people from Sept
2019 to Sept 2020 which included my
mother and mother in law.
My husband then became unwell, I nursed him on and off for 3 years until one day he decided he needed a younger model and left after 40 years together. The torment and isolation then was huge but I didnt realise grief forums was a place for me.
9 months later I met a lovely man, we’ve been together only 18 months and now 5 days ago he found out he has terminal cancer!
I have just turned 60, was hoping for fun for some years to come.
I will nurse him to his end and then pick myself up and start again, but to be what?

Im hoping to find online friends who are travelling in similar treacle and would like to support each other along the way.

Gill

[VM-Serenity66]

Hi Annsmith,

It’s an ever evolving challenge, growing older, contemplating one’s own mortality and the impermanence of ourselves, our loved ones and the situations around us. Acknowledging the series of losses that you have experienced I agree that it can disturb the mind. Memories of the past and ruminating on what might happen in the future can invade the moment and rob us of peace in the present. Nevertheless, it is important for me to find balance between honoring the past, planning for the future and being in contact with the present moment so that I am able to find joy in what is happening now. Perhaps the most effective strategy for me, is to involve myself in valued activities and enjoy my time with valued people as much as I am able, while I am able. I wonder … who and what is it that you would most like to be giving your attention to now?

For a compassionate conversation about your losses, and hopes for the future, with a caring volunteer, you are welcome to call the Helpline on 1300 845 745.

[onlinecommunity]

Hi Annsmith,

I’m sorry to hear of the loss of your parents, and the friends which you’ve lost along the way. I could imagine your mother’s Alzheimer’s wasn’t an easy thing to deal with either. When others who are close to us pass away, I think it can really make us reflect upon our own mortality and the thought of eventually becoming dependant on others to look after us.

For me, while I do fear the loss of people close to me, especially my mother who is 81, I think I put it out of my mind a lot of the time. Possibly, as some sort of way of protecting myself. Although, I’m lucky in that I don’t have anyone in my life who is unwell at the moment, even in older age.

Please continue to engage in the online forums, we are here listening to you.

[Author]

Replies