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Hi Scully,
Firstly, I wanted to thank you for sharing your story with us. You never know who it will help next and I appreciate just how hard it can be to put traumatic events and a loss like this into words. I’m so very sorry that this has happened to you and your family.
I’m not surprised to hear that everything still feels surreal. Your brain is still processing the sudden loss of a person you clearly loved, and spent (by the sounds of it) at least twenty years with. This is a huge adjustment and it will take some time before you stop doing the things you got so used to doing like picking up the phone to text him, or expecting to see him walk through the door.
It sounds to me like everything is still setting in for you and thoughts of what happens next are becoming a bit overwhelming. During those moments, I would encourage you just to think about what you need to survive the next five minutes, the next half hour, the next hour, and take everything one step at a time.
You’re right. Everything feels like a tremendous, heavy effort in grief, especially early grief. Do you have people around you that are offering support, or who you could turn to for support? I suggest thinking of the people who you always feel better after seeing, even when nothing feels wrong in the first place.
I wonder if you have already checked out any of the resources on the Griefline website? Sometimes a good starting point is just reminding ourselves of the strengths we have to draw from: https://griefline.org.au/resources/grief-recovery-part-1-in-search-of-lost-strengths/
This article (https://griefline.org.au/resources/coping-with-grief/) is also a good one to read during early grief.
Please keep talking here and also know that you can call Griefline on 1300 845 745 to chat (or cry) to someone. The online support groups may also be another option for you. We are here for you and sending strength and love.