Hi @teew, thank you for being brave and vulnerable enough to share your story on the forum. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and how it must be affecting your whole family. Although I have not personally experienced something similar, I know many others on the forums have.
Suicide is both sudden and traumatic, which often complicates grief, however, it sounds like (especially for someone so young) you have already managed to develop an awareness of your feelings, resourcefulness in seeking out Griefline, and even compassion for others.
Suicide does often cause anger in those left behind and it’s incredibly compassionate that you are instead able to understand your dad must have been having such a hard time, and did not take his life as an act to hurt anybody else. It sounds like he loved you and made many efforts to stay with you, and that you are able to appreciate that is very admirable too.
I’m wondering what else you are already doing to take care of your mental health? Have you checked out any of the Griefline resources for coping with loss? This link may be helpful: https://griefline.org.au/resources/understanding-the-symptoms-of-grief/
Please keep talking x