Thank you for the kind and compassionate responses. It took me a long time to post here, I even thought maybe I had the grieving process under wraps – when really I’d mainly compartmentalised it just so I could get through my masters semester at university. It was definitely hard having that anticipatory grief – I actually remember thinking and saying “I feel like I’m grieving even though he’s still right here”. I thought I’d be prepared for it, but I was completely wrong. You can’t fathom the loss until it happens, no matter how much time you’re given.
I think getting to see him right near the very end helped me process the reality of his passing quicker, the finality of it.
Some days I feel like I’m coping well, I’ll remember moments of joy we had – and other days I’ll see his favourite tea pot on the bench and fall apart.
His passing definitely changed how I saw things. More than anything, it made me realise how precious our time is and we can never know what the future will hold.
Every moment we have is a blessing. It also helped me recognise what is important to me in life. It’s spurring me to do the things I’ve been putting off, or waiting until “I’m older”.
That not to say there haven’t been bad days.
We all know there are days where everything seems senseless and cruel. We feel that the universe is against us and forcing our suffering. It makes everything seem pointless – because what’s the point of anything if we may die in the next moment? What is the point of our effort and hard work if we may not live to see it?
I don’t ever expect to get over his passing, rather it’s now a part of me.
I’ve found people tend to move on and forget. They think enough time has passed that you can go back to normal. Many people who haven’t lived to experience death like this don’t recognise it changes you. There is no going back to normal. You instead move forward by building a new world around your experience, rather than sidelining it and “getting over it”
I will grieve my father all my life, which means loving his memory and acknowledging the difference he made in my world.