I have read your beautiful eulogy in memory of your Dad. Thank you for sharing it with us here. It is so heartfelt yet so heartbreaking. A stunning tribute for your Dad.
As I read it I was struck by the incredible bond you seemed to have with your father, and the love you gave him right throughout his illness. I was also struck by your sense of remorse or perhaps guilt for not doing enough. And yet from an outsiders point of view it really seems you did the very best you or anyone could. I see the many different ways you supported and cared for him along his journey and I have no doubt your Dad felt assured of your deep and enduring love for him at the time of his passing.
Supporting a loved one with a terminal illness brings with it so much stress and heartache. Your grief journey starts with anticipatory grief which is so very difficult – you are grieving the person you once knew while at the same time faced with a looming dread that they may past soon. Now that he has gone you may have moved into acute grief. Its a long and arduous process so we hope you are practicing self-compassion. Talk to yourself as you would someone else going through your pain. Be kind and gentle on yourself. This article on ways to cope with grief may provide some coping strategies for you.
I also thought you might relate to this discussion on our Helping Hand forum which explores guilt in grief. Often the bereaved will use guilt as a tool in their grief response because it is something they can have a sense of control over; https://griefline.org.au/online-forums/topic/feelings-of-guilt/
From reading your tribute it seems that writing may be a coping strategy you are already using, so we hope that you will continue to write here on the forums. We are here for you. 🌸