Reply To: Buried my son on xmas eve

[Moon]

Hello, 4am late night ramblings sorry. Have barely slept since my visit with this dear 90yr old gentleman on Friday.
Guess I didn’t expect how much it might affect me emotionally. My own dad would be the same age, oh my, how I miss him so.
Please don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed spending time with him, gonna visit him again tomorrow so he can show me around his new retirement village.
He hasn’t quite integrated into any of their communal activities, big time loner since losing his wife 2yrs ago, which I totally get. My dad lost his wife (my mum) when he was only 43, and basically became a hermit. I held a fantasy that one day he might move in with me and my kids, but he passed away too soon.
I know my head and heart are messed up, but just witnessing the love other families have, both encourages and destroys me at the same time.
My kids never had the experience of grandparents or extended family, it was always just us, and my ex, whom I won’t dish here, as he is also grieving the sudden loss of his son, although in a different space I’d probably have more to say about that toxic relationship.
Sat/Sun I cried, well more like wailing, for so many hours, even though I had the doors and windows shut, I suspect my neighbours let their dogs out in the rain just to bark at me to shut me up. Should have played my sons funeral service music on loud to counter out the sound hey ! No, I keep a very low profile, but anyway. I’m allowed to cry as often as need to in my own house, so (insert swear words), I will cry a river forever, yeah, so stuff you uncaring so called neighbours or friends sorry.
I keep on having so many vivid dreams, they’re all mixed up and entwined with both happy and sad memories, and of course all the things we we were looking forward to do together.
There are so many that only my son and I shared together, and are mine and his forever, and can’t be taken away, we spent the best part of the last 10 years with me sleeping beside him in a foldable chair in the childrens’ hospital, I’m an expert at card games, but needed a captain starlight to play video games, always willing.. how I miss that, however sick he was, but now he is dead and I’ll never have anyone to play rummy, uno, skip-bo ever again, oh I’m crying again, gotta wipe the tears from the keyboard.
I remember when I first contacted griefline, there were certain progammes forthose within or after 6mths of losing a loved one. I guess it’s individual, but the idea I might feel some what different by now , no -sorry , just not true. This pain is unrelentless, and unending. I know you hear me xxxxxxxx