Reply To: Buried my son on xmas eve

[Moon]

Hi Thanasis, all, anyone, reading, thank you for reply. A facilicator for this support group in May called me today. She is going to call me again on Friday to explain how these sessions work, see how it might be helpful for me, plus understand my personal grief story. I’m very grateful for the opportunity, although nervous, as I’m more of a listener in person, on the telephone, never even done a video chat, I express myself better in written word, hence my hello here again.
I’m hearing you on the point of looking after my physical health, something long forgotten. Proud to say I had vegemite toast today, when normally I only eat dinner. In my head, Jeremy is saying to me, wish he’d taken his meds, so I’m drinking those effersecent multi-vitamin drinks and vita-gummies, obviously adverse to tablets…
I do know phsyical exercise is also very important but with limited mobility and agoraphobia, challenging, still I’m trying.
I still can’t do a proper supermarket shop, have to pick empty times, 12 item aisle. Sometimes that means I sit at the bus stop for half an hour for the next bus home, but I’d rather an empty bench than walking past happy families. I’m about to burst into tears at any minute !
It’s complex, on the one hand I yearn company, ( I live alone) but on the other I can’t stand to be around the living, going about their daily lives, whereas mine has forever changed. I can’t see this rock of grief I carry getting any lighter.
Intellectually, I know it does, as I’ve buried both my parents, but no-one should ever have to bury their child, it’s totally different because they are part of you, gave them life, so there’s an innate guilt of not being able to protect them…
I sit on my back deck each day at sunset, often a butterfly will come say hello, I warm to that. Thanks for listening xx