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Hello and thank you for your reply and suggestions. I registered for the online support group in May. I’m in NSW so will have to do zoom for the first time ever. Already anxious but know that I need this connection with others, also mourning. Maybe I’ll just listen and learn, or maybe I’ll manage to say something that resonates with another, I’m willing to give it a go. I know my son would want me to push against my social anxiety and reach out. He’s seen firsthand the empathy and simple company I’ve shared with other parents throughout these years and would not want me to feel so alone. I, too, know I’m at my best when I feel like I have something to offer.
Pretty empty right now, so I’ll claim my space to empty my thoughts here, in the hope that some of my words might also express feelings shared by many. I’d be grateful for any hints on navigating the outside world with this heavy rock in my heart that robs me of my breath daily.
Sometimes I wonder (even behind the mask) my eyes tell-tale, just going to the supermarket I feel people look at me differently, as if they know. Other times I feel completely invisible, I walk past people chatting, laughing, and feel like I no longer exist in this world.
Phone calls from few friends wane, they no longer mention his name, send me photos of their kids and stories to cheer me up ? which I’m grateful for, but also causes me pain.
Yes I’m sitting here wearing my son’s clothes, listening to his favourite music. A common voice, way to express I shared with all my children…
In one of our last conversations, Jeremy thanked me for growing up in a household full of music, noise, friends and fun plus sent me his spotify list which I’m listening to now.
My son always thought of others first, never complained, though he had bloody well reason to. He was so very humble. I miss him so… thank you for listening xx