Reply To: Buried my son on xmas eve

[Moon]

Hello Manchal and Lily, thank you so much for replying and reassuring me that I am not alone, however much it feels that way right now.
I’ve been searching for support but keep coming up against brick walls. 4 month waiting list to see a pysch and few organisations offer online support, which is what I am seeking most. I have spoken with beyond blue/lifeline on occasion, know there’s always a friendly voice on the end of the line to listen when in need, but I find myself just agreeing with all their much-appreciated suggestions to please the volunteer. I wish there were more charities/services for parents of adult children.
My son and I both found it very challenging transitioning from Westmead Childrens when he turned 18. We’d spent most of 8 years there, knew all the doctors and wonderful nurses, and yes a community of parents. I’d slept beside him throughout all his hospital stays, we had Starlight Foundation, and importantly for me, one on one counselling with Redkite. Transferring to an adult hospital took away our trusted support network in so many ways…
Hoping this is a safe space to share some thoughts however maladroit they come out:
I wish my son had died in the childrens’ hospital, surrounded by doctors and nurses he knew, trusted and loved, and that I could have been beside him 24/7. He was only 19, didn’t belong in a ward of 60 + year olds, with restricted visiting hours…
I wish my ex-husband hadn’t turned off life support when it was his turn to visit (not an amicable relationship). I really, really wanted to hold my baby’s hand whilst he was passing and I know he wanted me beside him….
Wish you were here ! Pink Ffloyd – that was his funeral exit song, played by his friends band…
So I’m sitting on my back deck, watching the kids next door muck around on their skateboards, I love it, but with tears streaming down my face, as I’ll never see my son skate again. Nothing will ever be again. This house will never be full of the sound of childrens’ laughter or teenage ‘balcony d & m’s’ – conversations again.
It will be 3 months this Saturday, I still wake up each morning, well at 3am, and sob, then again several times each day, it just seems to happpen, whether I’m thinking about him or not. I guess there’s a lot of pent up emotion in my body, but I don’t like crying, especially when there’s no one around to give you a hug or a cup of tea.
This is why I’m reaching out, hoping to share with others grieving, who might like me, prefer to express themselves in words.
I’ve kinda morphed into my son, I’m wearing his clothes ! Well I was short like him to start with, but have lost over 10kgs since he died. His twin sister has now moved and returned all his clothes etc to me. Was so bittersweet putting them back in his bedroom drawers, had to try everything on.
I don’t know where I’m at in my mourning, understand it’s very individual, but feel good that I was able to put back all the photos on the fridge today, had to take them down for a month, but now I can walk past, kiss his forehead again.
Thank you for the space to express and be heard xxx