Dear @MelC1212, welcome to the forums. Our hearts go out to you for the tragic loss of your beautiful daughter Shanya. We are glad you are here – whilst we can’t be sure there is / are members in our community who have had a similar loss or are ready to share their experience, we are certain there are many members of the community who understand the extreme anguish, regret and confusion that grief brings following the loss of someone we loved so desperately.
First and foremost, we hope that you are receiving regular professional medical care following your breakdown. Especially seeing you have recently been hearing voices and feeling as though you are in a ‘dreamlike’ state, but have decided to reduce your meds. Our forums are not equipped to guide you in this regard. Please keep in regular contact with your GP. The most important thing right now is your health and safety,so we urge you to make use of the health professionals available to you.
But when it comes to the rollercoaster ride of emotions that grief and loss brings – heartache, anger, confusion, guilt …the members of this community can relate. And we hope that you receive the support and understanding you deserve in response to your post. ❤️
You mention that you keep going over what you did wrong for this to happen. You are not alone in feeling guilty…guilt is a very common experience in grief and in most cases, like yours its most likely that there is absolutely nothing you did wrong, nor could have changed. The reason for the guilt is that we’d rather feel guilty than hopeless… our mind needs something to latch on to – something we can control.
You also mention seeing Shanya in your other daughter which may be heightening the pain when you are around her. Though we often shy away from triggers, they can be useful as we come to understand and navigate our grief. Grief expert David Kessler says triggers are ‘a map of our grief’ – telling us where the pain lives, and therefore pinpointing where the healing can take place. Your grief is unique to you, so try taking note of what’s going on in your body when you experience these triggers…are you light-headed, nauseous, rapid heartbeat? And what thoughts are you having …writing these reflections down in a grief journal can also be helpful. Over time you’ll come to recognise and understand your grief response and find ways to manage it.
You also talk about how your daughter would feel mad to see you like this and yet happy that you are lost without her – it sounds like such a confusing place to be. So we wonder whether allowing yourself to talk to Shanya would be therapeutic …and give you some answers? This is part of the ‘Continuing Bonds’ coping strategy and you can find some guidance around this in the ‘Coping With Grief’ article here on our Resource Hub;
Perhaps you could allow yourself to talk to her and listen to her – share your sorrow and confusion… write her a letter and ask for her advice on getting through this.
@MelC1212, we know what you are going through feels insurmountable, but it is clear that you adore your oldest daughter and she adores you too. Lean on each other and any other understanding friends or family as you get through each day. Over time we believe you can find your hope again.
Keep posting, we are here for you as you navigate the light and dark of your grief journey. 🌸