hi @marc
im sorry to hear about what you are going through.
that feeling of it being too late must be so tough. i can imagine your support and strength is so important for your daughter right now too.
when my mum died, i felt a huge amount of guilt. i grew up in an abusive and conservative household.
she wanted desperately to see me married off and with kids (my own happy family as she used to say), but i didnt want that. i wanted to do things in my own time.
we had a heated discussion on the phone. she was trying to convince me to do right by her and i was fighting for my independence.
two weeks later she died.
i wasnt there. sometimes i think that maybe if i had never engaged in that conversation, maybe if i had done what she wants, maybe if i had made light of it all, she would still be around.
but i know that’s not logical and i have no control over someones life and death. it still hurts to have lost her so young and so suddenly.
i wanted to apologize and i wanted to tell her i forgive her too, but i cant.
im sorry. this is about your story and not mine. what im trying to say is that i also feel guilty for things i said and didnt say and i think sometimes its a normal part of grief. but its still painful.
what helped me a little was that i wrote a letter to her and ripped it to pieces later as a symbolism of releasing her. seeing a psychologist helped aswell. it helped me make sense of the codependency issues and the abuse behaviour my family has normalized. but nothing has taken away the experience or the memory. ive just learnt to live with it and manage the feelings. i hope that you find a way to make things easier for yourselg. we are here to listen and support in ways that we can.
