My grief journey has provided me with some stark lessons.

I was 23 when my dad died and 33 when my son, Liam died, so maturity wise, I had developed as an adult but in general, the grief around my son dying was so much worse. His death was somewhat unexpected and naturally, had his whole life ahead of him so incredibly hard to accept, where as my dad was 61 and had been diagnosed with an incurable disease which he had for 10 months and he had also achieved things in life, so my dad’s death was definitely easier to accept.     

During my grief there have been some obvious signs that I might be hitting rock bottom.

I started heavy drinking and driving incredibly recklessly. I just didn’t care about the consequences of my actions, running red lights, speeding etc. I didn’t care what happened to me, but what I wasn’t taking into account was what if I injure/kill someone else. 

I started to rethink my actions. I created a touch football team of other bereaved dads. Spending time with them and sharing stories really helped me process my own grief and knowing that I wasn’t alone.  In some regards this helped me deal with my emotions and creating a sense of community.

My relationship with grief has definitely evolved over time.

It’s not a physical change, like acutely physical. I still have hard moments often and around Liam’s birthday/anniversary, my birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day etc. and I still struggle daily but I have more control over those emotions now. I think about Liam’s and smile, instead of bawling my eyes out.

There are many ways that I carry Liam’s memory – tattoos, traditions, incorporating him into my routines etc. but the main one for me is by being of service to other bereaved parents and I’m so grateful that I can do that in my employment with Red Nose.