Having support alongside you matters
When someone you love is living with a life-limiting illness, dementia, disability, or ongoing decline, the emotional weight can be immense. Many people describe feeling as though they are grieving – even though the person is still alive, or the loss has not fully occurred.
This experience is known as anticipatory grief.
Anticipatory grief is real, valid, and common. Yet it is often misunderstood, minimised, or left unspoken – both by others and by those experiencing it. Many people don’t realise there is a name for what they’re feeling, or that support is available before a death or major loss.
If you’re navigating anticipatory grief, having a trusted health professional, counsellor, or support service alongside you can make a meaningful difference. Support can help you name what’s happening, make sense of complex emotions, and reduce the sense of carrying everything alone.
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is a natural response to loving someone whose life or abilities are changing. It reflects attachment, care, and the human instinct to prepare for loss; even when part of you is still hoping for more time. It can affect you emotionally, physically, and mentally, shaping how you think, sleep, relate to others, and move through daily life. Importantly, it does not mean you are giving up, being negative, or failing to cope. You can advocate fiercely, remain hopeful, and still grieve what is already shifting.
It can occur when:
- someone you love is expected to die
- a person is gradually changing due to illness or dementia
- roles and relationships are shifting (for example, partner to carer)
- a future you imagined is becoming uncertain or impossible
Unlike grief after death, anticipatory grief unfolds over time, often alongside hope, love, caregiving, and responsibility. It may come in waves, intensify during periods of change, or sit quietly in the background of everyday life.
Because the loss has not “officially” happened, anticipatory grief often goes unrecognised – even though its impact can be profound.
What anticipatory grief is…. and what it isn’t
Anticipatory grief is:
- a natural response to expected or ongoing loss
- emotional, physical, cognitive, and relational
- shaped by love, attachment, and responsibility
- something that can exist alongside hope
Anticipatory grief is not:
- giving up on someone you love
- being pessimistic or negative
- a sign that you’re failing to cope
- a replacement for grief after death
You can still hope for recovery or more time and grieve what is already changing.
“Being strong” versus acknowledging grief
People experiencing anticipatory grief are often described as strong.
Strong for:
- holding things together
- managing care, appointments, and decisions
- continuing to work and support others
- staying positive for family or friends
While strength can be genuine, it can also hide grief.
Anticipatory grief often shows up as:
- emotional numbness or exhaustion
- staying busy to avoid falling apart
- minimising your own pain because “it hasn’t happened yet”
- feeling pressure to cope without complaint
Grief doesn’t always look like tears. Sometimes it looks like endurance.
The emotional contradictions of anticipatory grief
One of the hardest parts of anticipatory grief is how contradictory it can feel.
People often experience:
- hope and despair
- love and resentment
- closeness and distance
- relief and guilt
- gratitude and anger
These mixed emotions can be confusing and distressing. They do not mean you care less, or that you are doing something wrong. They reflect the strain of loving someone while facing change, uncertainty, and loss.
Why anticipatory grief often goes unrecognised
Anticipatory grief can be difficult to name because:
- the person is still alive
- there is no single moment of loss
- social permission to grieve is often delayed until after death
- support systems are geared toward crisis or bereavement
Many people tell themselves:
- “I shouldn’t feel this way yet.”
- “Others have it worse.”
- “I need to stay strong.”
As a result, anticipatory grief is often carried quietly and alone.
Signs you may be experiencing anticipatory grief
Everyone’s experience is different, but you may be experiencing anticipatory grief if you:
- feel emotionally drained or flat over time
- grieve small changes as they occur
- struggle with sleep, concentration, or motivation
- feel guilt about wanting relief or rest
- feel isolated from people who don’t understand
- feel as though you’re already saying goodbye
There is no checklist, timeline, or “right way” for anticipatory grief to appear. If this resonates, what you’re feeling is valid.
Why naming anticipatory grief matters
When anticipatory grief remains unnamed, many people turn their feelings inward. They minimise their pain, compare themselves to others, or tell themselves they should be coping better. Naming the experience can soften that self-judgement. It creates language for what can otherwise feel isolating and invisible. Once named, it becomes easier to explain to others, to seek support earlier, and to respond to yourself with compassion rather than criticism. Recognition does not remove the difficulty; but it can reduce the loneliness.
Naming anticipatory grief can:
- reduce self-judgement
- validate your emotional experience
- create space for support earlier
- help others understand what you’re carrying
You do not need to wait for a loss to be acknowledged before seeking care.
Supporting yourself through anticipatory grief
You may find it helpful to:
- talk with someone who understands grief
- pace yourself and acknowledge limits
- allow space for conflicting emotions
- seek support before exhaustion or crisis
- remind yourself that this is not something to “fix”
Anticipatory grief deserves care, compassion, and recognition – just like any other form of grief.
When to reach out for support
If anticipatory grief is affecting your wellbeing, relationships, or ability to cope day-to-day, support is available. Speaking with a counsellor, psychologist, GP, or our Helpline volunteers can help you feel less alone and more grounded during this time.
You don’t have to wait until the loss happens to reach out.
You can contact Griefline and speak with one of our trained, skilled and compassionate volunteers to speak about your experience or concerns in supporting someone who is grieving. Our helpline is open from 8am to 8pm, 7 days a week (AEST).
