Loss of someone i never knew

Hi @acadiancurtis. This is such a painful time for you. The overwhelming grief you are feeling about not knowing more about your deceased sibling is sometimes referred to as “disenfranchised grief” where the loss is not validated or even acknowledged as being real. Often people feel that they do not even have the right to grieve, or that the grief is minimised or ignored by society, friends and even family. It sounds like this is being compounded by your Mum not wanting to talk about it at all, maybe because it is too painful for her. The lack of support from a close family member such as your mother exacerbates the natural pain of loss. And of course you do not have any of the typical rituals like funerals, condolences and photo montages which help to ease the pain, but maybe later you might find a way to remember Curtis in another way.

There is so much you would like to know about Curtis and at times of loss the more that a situation is understood, the easier it is to accept. This may be part of why it is so painful for you right now, why you hate being alive to have to experience this pain, and why you’re finding it so hard to cope with classes and with life more generally. It also sounds like you’re feeling really guilty when you say that it should have been you that died, which is called “survivor guilt”. This happens when somebody believes that they have somehow done something wrong by surviving a traumatic event when others did not. It can be a complex mix of guilt, shame and self-reproach: if there had to be a death, then it should have been you. These are really big and confusing feelings: no wonder you are feeling so overwhelmed. @pink1 suggested you call our Griefline and I think that would be a really good idea. There is so much listening space that needs to be given to help you identify and cope with these emotions.

Also, you only recently found out and so nothing had prepared you for the shock, and while your mother prefers to go on ignoring it, you cannot. The news has had a profound effect on you, and you cannot safely express that. But you can on the Griefline where we listen and understand what you’re going through as best we can. You are a sensitive and caring person, and the world really needs more of those right now.