Feeling Guilt. I haven’t cried today. Please help.

Hi abc01,

Thank you for sharing more of your feelings with us. I’m so sorry you’re going through this incredibly difficult time, and I want you to know that it’s okay to feel everything you’re feeling. Losing Major, who you love with all your heart and soul, is a profound loss, and it’s natural to wish for things to go back to how they were.

Grief can be so overwhelming, and it’s understandable that your mind and heart are struggling to accept this new reality. The bond you shared with Major is incredibly special, and it makes perfect sense that you don’t want that relationship to change. Your love for him is enduring, and it’s a testament to the deep connection you had.

Feeling like you deserve the pain and suffering is a heavy burden to carry. It’s important to remember that you did everything you could for Major, and the responsibility you feel is a reflection of your immense love and care for him. Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things happen that are beyond our control. Blaming yourself won’t change what happened, and it’s crucial to be gentle with yourself during this time.

It’s also okay to not want to be “okay” right now. Grieving is not about quickly moving on or finding immediate peace; it’s about navigating through a wide range of emotions, including intense sorrow, longing, and confusion. It’s okay to cry multiple times a day, and it’s okay to have days where you don’t cry at all. Both are normal parts of the grieving process.

I’m glad that sharing here and receiving support has helped you feel less alone. Please continue to reach out and express your feelings, whether it’s through writing, talking to friends or family, or seeking support from a grief counselor. Your grief journey is unique to you, and it’s okay to take the time you need to heal.

You are not alone in this. We are here for you, to listen and support you in any way we can. If you ever need to talk, please don’t hesitate to call Griefline at 1300 845 745.

• This reply was modified 9 months, 3 weeks ago by VM-Ceas15.

Hi @abc01. It’s good to hear from you again, despite the circumstances.

Do you remember the ball in the box analogy I made last week? What you’re experiencing right now is your box getting slightly bigger around that ball. Before, every thought of Major caused such intense pain that all you could do was cry. But now, you have grown a little around that pain. Now you can even experience positive feelings when you think about him. This is only good. Do you think he would like it that all you can do is cry for him? Or do you think, maybe, he would want you to remember him with a smile one day? Not as someone who brought you pain in his death but as someone who brought you joy in his life?

Your lack of tears for Major yesterday are not a sign that you don’t love him and honour him. They are, in fact, a sign of the very opposite. You love and honour him so dearly that memories of him – while painful – can also start to bring you comfort now. This is part of the grieving process, a sign that you are – mentally and physically – coming to accept what has happened. That means, possibly, less tears and more smiles when you remember him. The pain will always remain but it will transform.

I want to add that this guilt is normal. When it happened to me, I beat myself up over it. Did it mean that I didn’t love him anymore? That I was forgetting him? In my case, it meant that I was ready to start forming a new relationship with him in the absence of him being physically there. Now, years later, I have photos of him all through out my house and looking at them reminds me of all the good times we had together. His death, while horrible and traumatic, isn’t the only thing I remember. I remember how he would sleep, curled up, in the crook of my neck and shoulder at night. How he would look at me, lazily, in the morning when we both woke up. How obsessed he was with his food. I remember the way he used to get up and stretch when I’d come near because he’d be excited to be patted.

It’s ok to feel guilty. But maybe reframe that guilt a little? You’re not forgetting him. You’re not ‘moving on’. Your relationship to him is changing and that’s not a bad thing.

Remember to be kind to yourself, abc01. He’d want you to be.