Holding back the tears

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This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 1 year, 8 months ago by VMSal.

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July 1, 2023 at 11:58 pm #25896

healingwords
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I want to write how I feel because I need the clarity for myself. Right now, hope seems too far away.
The relationship was tense. From the start, it was always tense, however, I thought that it would be right to see the tension as a challenge for me to step up as a man.
A challenge to step up and to be courageous – to take the lead, to show initiative, to wear my heart on my sleeve.
Things appeared to be going right, until they weren’t. With time, reality revealed more and more of the truth.
We were wasting our time, neither wanting to be the one to call things off. Neither having the courage to face the truth in its entirety.
Each one repressing the truth that we were very different to each other, and that we didn’t like each other as much as we thought.
But each wishing that some miracle would happen. That by some twist of fate, or a snap of a finger, or by practically giving it another date, another conversation, another thought, that somehow one of us would change. That somehow, we would be compatible and that our values would align, our priorities match, our hearts healed and maybe entertain the possibility that the other person might be the last person we need to date. The one we’d been waiting and searching for all our lives.
If only that was the case, then life would be fulfilling. If only that was the case, and I would be a happy man today. If only that was the case, I would have all the strength I need to go through this difficult time. If only that were so, then maybe I wouldn’t feel like I’m hopeless, useless, worthless and that my existence has no meaning and serves no purpose.
Maybe.
But I’ll never know what that future would have unfolded like, because of the fact that it didn’t realize. Out of some tiwst of fate or act of a Higher Being, the way things unfolded did and there’s nothing more that I can do today to change that even a bit.And the life I live now is simply the load I have to bear for living in a cruel and broken and unfair world. Yes, cruel, and unfair.
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August 2, 2023 at 10:54 am #26096

VMSal
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Dear @healingwords, thank you for reaching out and sharing how you’re going on your journey. It is a journey, and sometimes yes, other things happen that bring the grief back and make it feel as if the event just happened yesterday. It is a pattern that can keep playing out over time. However, each time is also a learning opportunity to develop skills and experience that can help you regain your balance.

It is true that we grow around our grief. There’s no right or wrong way, it takes time, and certain things aid this process – opening up and seeking help, building supportive connections, being intentional about self-care and self-compassion, and having a purpose: revaluating old goals to suit the present reality or even setting new goals.

And despite all this, feelings can come back. You can still miss her and feel that pain. It’s important to express these feelings as and when they come up. One way is what you’ve done here. You might also consider journalling them, or talking about them over the helplines? Sometimes, saying it out loud to another person and having it heard and validated can be very powerful and bring clarity. I hope you’ll consider these options and take them up when it feels right. Meanwhile, take care, and keep looking after yourself.

August 1, 2023 at 9:51 am #26072

healingwords
Participant

So, as life would have it other events would occur that despite being very unrelated are triggering my grief again. Conversations with friends remind me of what did and didn’t occur. The painful moments. The exclusion. The rejection, that all contributed no doubt to why we had to go out separate ways.

Some say your grief never goes away, you just grow around it.

All I wish is that I could tell her that I miss her. Even if I know there were reasons we wouldn’t get along together and even when we were both unhappy at the end, I just want her to know that I still think of her and that I hope that some days, perhaps she still thinks of me too!

July 24, 2023 at 11:59 am #26033

VMSal
Participant

Hi Healingwords, thank you for letting us know how you’re doing! I’m so glad you’re not only looking after yourself, but honoring yourself by going to the psychologist and using the helplines. I can really sense your commitment towards moving through this phase as best as you can. Wishing you well on this journey, and as always, we are here to support you.

July 21, 2023 at 1:40 pm #26015

healingwords
Participant

Thanks VMSal. Thank you for being there virtually!

I appreciate your thoughts too, vmpercy. I hate uncertainty. I don’t know about you, but I feel like I need a certain level of predictability in my life to feel safe and secure.

VM-Luna, you’re very right in all you’ve said so far. I feel that compounding. It wasn’t just in the moment. It was everything that could have been and hasn’t been and no longer will be. I’ll have a look at the link you’ve shared.

Like you’ve all said, I’ll do my best to keep at it and I’ll use these forums and even the helpline as necessary to help me process when required. I’m getting some support from a psychologist too, who is assisting me with navigating through this time. Using helplines where necessary as well. I’ll do whatever I need to so that I can get through this.
Thanks for all your support!

July 5, 2023 at 10:30 am #25909

VM-Luna
Participant

Hello @healingwords,

I can hear your longing for a loving and connected relationship in your words, the struggles that you have faced in wanting to deeply connect, and the struggles that come with the misalignment of values and priorities in your last relationship. It does take courage to be vulnerable, it does take strength to face and acknowledge when things are not working, and it does take faith in yourself, to end a relationship that is not healthy for both people. The pain and loss are compounded when you have hopes and dreams for the future with this person and when the reality does not match these longings. However, remember your strength and faith (this can be challenging when in grief), as these parts of you can bring comfort while grieving. I have popped a link below with some strategies for coping with loss and I hope it is helpful to you, also remember we are here and you can give us a call if you would like to hear a voice of support. Wishing you well.

Relationship Loss

July 4, 2023 at 2:16 pm #25905

vmpercy
Participant

HealingWords, reading your post really tugged at my heartstrings. I can see you’ve been through a lot, and it’s incredibly brave of you to confront your feelings and share them here. Like DebSayge pointed out, by speaking your truth, you’ve already begun your healing journey. Even when life seems unforgiving and unfair, remember that you’re stronger than you think.

Uncertainty about the future is something we all experience, but it’s also where life’s unexpected beauty often comes from. When one chapter of our lives closes, another one opens, sometimes leading to paths we didn’t anticipate. As part of your healing journey, you could consider mindfulness techniques, focusing on being present and soaking in the world around you. And never hesitate to share your thoughts here – we’re an understanding community ready to offer support. You’re not alone, and your resilience is making a difference, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Keep going, we’re here with you.

July 3, 2023 at 6:09 pm #25901

VMSal
Participant

Dear HealingWords, I think the name you have chosen is profound. I feel your pain through your words, and it may feel raw in the moment, but expressing it like this (instead of suppressing it) brings healing. Maybe not all at once, but slowly and steadily. It is a process and a journey. I am sorry your relationship didn’t turn out as you wanted. And yes, I get that hope seems far away – at this moment. But we’re here to hold hope for you when you can’t see it for yourself. So please do reach out: ring the Helpline, use the Booked Call service and keep sharing your thoughts and connecting with others here. You do not have to bear this on your own, we’re here to support you.

July 3, 2023 at 4:30 pm #25899

healingwords
Participant

Thanks DebSayge. *virtual hugs*

July 2, 2023 at 12:38 pm #25897

debsayge
Participant

Oh courageous friend, that’s how I see you for sure x sob n sob it out, you ARE full of wisdom, yet to see….speaking your truth is powerful….
Thanking you
In my heart
DebSayge
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