[vrmaggie]

Where do they go? It is a question that has been asked many times over the ages. Here is a poem going all the way back to Norse mythology (800-1000 AD/CE).

The Rainbow Bridge (Inspired by a Norse Legend)

By the edge of a woods, at the foot of a hill,
Is a lush, green meadow where time stands still.
Where the friends of man and woman do run,
When their time on earth is over and done.

For here, between this world and the next,
Is a place where each beloved creature finds rest.
On this golden land, they wait, and they play,
Till the Rainbow Bridge they cross over one day.

No more do they suffer, in pain or in sadness,
For here they are whole, their lives filled with gladness.
Their limbs are restored, their health renewed,
Their bodies have healed, with strength imbued.

They romp through the grass, without even a care,
Until one day they start, and sniff at the air.
All ears prick forward, eyes dart front and back,
Then all of a sudden, one breaks from the pack.

For just at that instant, their eyes have met
Together again, both person and pet.
So they run to each other, these friends from long past,
The time of their parting is over at last.

The sadness they felt while they were apart,
Has turned into joy once more in each heart.
They embrace with a love that will last forever,
And then, side-by-side, they cross over… together.

[vm-oscar-at]

You are further along your pregnancy journey since you first reached out to the forum for support, and while all trimesters are different and challenging in their own ways, I hope you’ve been able to connect with the pregnancy during your second trimester, while finding time to grieve your dad and support those around you. It sounds like you have been a pillar of strength that others may turn to for support, and I hope those in your support network have been able to so the same for you.

The first response provided some amazing resources for support, and I hope these have been helpful during this time. There are so many challenges we face as we move through pregnancy and beyond. Starting or expanding a family is just one of life’s big changes and transitions that we may go through, and coping with the death of a parent at the same time compounds both journeys.

I found the weekly check ins from COPE (Centre of Perinatal Excellence) via the emails (or app if you choose to download it), were a helpful reminder to check in with myself and they were a gentle support throughout my pregnancies. They also have counselling support if this is something you’d like to explore.

It’s human nature to want to take care of others around us, and it’s equally vital we take care of ourselves and those we are growing to come in to the world.

[vm-winter13]

Hi MiniCooper,

I acknowledge you for sharing the loss of the close friendship with your cousin. After a 40 year relationship, it is a huge loss to go from best friends to no communication and being avoided at family functions with no explanation. I can hear that it has impacted your self confidence and your trust in people and friendship. It also overlaps with so many people that you love in your family. It can also feel really disconcerting when you don’t know why and your constantly analysing what caused it to be this way.

I had something similar happen about 9 years ago when my best friend from high school who I loved and treasured very much, stop talking to me and avoided meeting up. It happened a year after I had my first baby and she never told me why. I spent alot of time wondering what happened and grieving the loss of our friendship. It also impacted my identity as I wasn’t in touch with anyone else really from highschool. I have people around me who still have really close relationships with their friends from highschool and I felt like a failure.

I share that so you know many people struggle with the loss of significant relationships even when it isnt caused by a death. Your experience is valid, it is a big deal to you and this loss of relationship with your cousin has affected many areas of your life.

There is some information on our website that may be helpful to you moving through this loss – https://griefline.org.au/resources/relationship-loss/.

I can get you are struggling to find a way forward that feels right. The pain sounds like it really challenging to be with. That is really normal when dealing with a significant loss like this. There are no right answers. It is a strength to be able to communicate about it and share about it in a forum like this. You are also welcome to call the Griefline to chat about your feelings on 1300 845 745 – 8am – 8pm AEST any day of the week.

Continue to keep in touch through this online forum and look after yourself. We are listening.

[VM-Loki23]

Dear minicooper

I can hear the distress you are experiencing in loosing a friendship of 40 years. And what makes it worse is not getting the space to process and grieve this loss, instead being reminded of it by friends, family and close proximity of your friend living in the same neighbourhood. It also sounds like the situation has undermined your confidence in your ability to find new friends leaving you confused. I want to commend you for finding this forum and showing courage in sharing and unburdening yourself on this forum. I can see that you value friendship and integrity hence your loss of relationship has brought up grief emotions such as sadness, anger, and confusion. It is important to allow yourself to feel these emotions as gently as possible and to look after yourself. Identifying your support system, people who you can turn to for emotional support will also help. This forum and our helpline where you can have confidential conversations are an encouraging start. Having said that it is equally important to establish routines that are calming and nourishing while you grieve. Mindfulness and self compassion practices can also support you in processing this loss. Grief is a roller coaster of emotions so give yourself space to feel those emotions and process the loss. I would like to point you to a resource on Griefline (below) that will also support you in your grieving process.

Coping with Grief

And our helpline number is 1300 845 745
8am to 8pm: 7 days (AEST)

Sending you good vibes so you can find a good way to hold your grief and take care of yourself.

[minicooper]

I guess I’m writing this for me as I’m not sure anyone will read this. I need to acknowledge to myself that a 40 year friendship is over and I will never know why, that the person I thought I knew never really existed and I will never get a resolution to this. How do you move on without resolution? But I digress, let’s start at the beginning.
My girlfriend whom I have been friends with for over 40 years, decided to end our friendship without conflict or a discussion. She hasn’t passed on, but it feels that way.
Instead, she has chosen to give me the silent treatment. This leaves me with so many unanswered questions that I am struggling to move forward. Yes I have tried to contact her but I have received nothing in reply. Unfortunately, she was not only a close girlfriend but she is also my cousin. This means that I still see her during family functions (& she avoids me and doesn’t talk to me) & her name is constantly brought up in family circles asking what has happened between us. Mutual friends also constantly bring up her name.
I feel like I can’t escape her. She has made it perfectly clear she wants nothing more to do with me as it’s been two years since our last communication. I would like to move on but I struggle with two things. One, after two years have no idea of why she broke off our friendship, hence the lack of resolution. There is some lame excuse that has been given to me, which I don’t believe, although I do think it was just the cherry on the cake. I suspect that she had a list of grievances against me that was accumulating over time and rather than discuss it with me, she chose to walk away….can I say this? Rather than act like an adult and deal, she chose the cowards way out. God that sounds so angry. I swing like a pendulum, angry, sad, angry, sad. How do you “get over” or accept that this is over when you don’t understand why it’s over.
The 2nd thing I struggle with, is having her constantly thrown in my face by well meaning friends and family. Every time I think my head is in a better space and I start feeling good again, some friend or family member will ask what’s going on between us. This brings up all the pain, hurt, anger, disappointment & doubts all over again and it’s like a scab that’s being ripped off a wound. It takes days/weeks to start feeling “normal” again.
I understand that this may not sound like a big deal to those who are dealing with the passing of someone close, but this is what it feels like to me.
The fact that she is my cousin AND neighbour is now an added stress because I still see her in the street, at the shops, family functions and gatherings. She is still in my social circles and I just want her out of my life. How do I get her out of my life, without losing everyone else? How do I find resolution with her decision? Oh I forgot to mention, our husbands were best friends too. Their friendship is now also over because of her decision to end ours. My husband is also in this world of pain, with no resolution and it hurts me to see him this way. While the boys may catch up every few months, it is an awkward meeting as they share a mutual grief over the loss of their friendship that they had no say or control over, the decision was made for them.

So where are we at? In this limbo of a situation with no way of moving forward, or at least not understanding how to move forward. I can’t pull away from my family and friends. Is it to much for me to ask them to stop talking about her? Do I try and look for other friendship circles? I have tried but my confidence has been shaken and I find myself questioning the person that I am. I tell myself, I am obviously not worthy. If your closest friend can walk away from you after 40 years, then obviously something is wrong with you.
Can you get hypnotherapy for this sort of thing? So everytime I have these self doubts something clicks in my head to flip it around and I say “you are worthy and you do have something positive to give to a friendship” Ha! God I wish it was that simple. Well that’s enough of a rant from me. I am not sure I feel any better about putting this in writing. Maybe.

[VM_MOO]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with such honesty. It’s clear how deeply you cared for K and how much emotional energy you invested in that connection. The grief you’re feeling now is very real — even though this wasn’t a traditional relationship, it still held deep meaning, love, and hope for you. Losing that can feel just as painful as any other kind of heartbreak, if not more.

It’s completely understandable that you’re feeling lost, tired, and disconnected right now. When someone we care about pulls away — especially after such a deep bond — it can shake our sense of identity, faith, and purpose. You’re not alone in this, and it’s okay to grieve. You’re also showing strength by reaching out and acknowledging your pain.

Be gentle with yourself. Take small steps each day.

You can always call Griefline on 1300 845 745 from 8 am to 8 pm to speak with one of the volunteers.

[vmShila]

Hello @nicyoung, just echoing @ vmmistonthelake. You’ve shown such courage reaching out at what is such an overwhelming time of loss. Please know that there is support for you when you need it and you can call 1300 845 745 between 8am and 8pm 7 days per week. I hope that you are finding ways to gently care for yourself and to seek support from loved ones, and professionals when you need it. I know it is hard to imagine, but I just wanted to say that the terrible pain will not be with you forever, although the grief and sense of loss may never fully leave, the intensity of your pain will change over time. We are here for you, please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Go gently,
Vmshila

[VM-MistOnTheLake]

Hello Nicyoung,

Thank you so much for bravely reaching out for help. I am sorry that it has taken so long for you to receive a response. It is very sad to hear that you lost your husband and then lost your mother while commemorating your husband’s life. The loss of two very significant persons in your life is a heavy load to bear. It must be hard to put one foot in front of the other, but you are showing strength by expressing your feelings and seeking support. Please take the time to be gentle with yourself as you deal with this grief. Your husband and mother are two people that you would naturally turn to for support during hard times. I am hearing that you may feel you don’t know where to turn. It must be so difficult. Please know there are many people here who are willing to support you during this time. You can call our helpline on 1300 845 745 between the hours of 8am and 8pm, 7 days a week. You may also find some of the resources on our website helpful: https://griefline.org.au/resources/

Take care,

Mistonthelake

• This reply was modified 1 week, 1 day ago by VM-MistOnTheLake.

[vmgabi0110]

It’s really hard and I’m sorry your heart is hurting. I’m glad you’ve reached out. If she’s made it clear there’s no future, can I suggest perhaps your journal your feelings in a notebook? And if you’re a person of faith, what about prayer to revive your inner spirit? Who is around to support you? Parents? Mates? Your church. You can always call us here at GL or call 1300 845 745 or continue writing on this forum.

Hang in there.

[roamingshepherd]

Thanks. It took me a while (it felt like a lifetime!) to figure that all out after my dog died. But it’s a great question. A very moving question. One we’ve probably been asking for thousands of years and will probably keep asking for thousands more.
It was a great comfort to me once I realised that we carry them with us. Sometimes the weight is heavy, sometimes it’s light. It changes every day. I am glad to still have a relationship with my fallen hero through this fluctuating landscape of emotions. I’d give EVERYTHING to see her again, to smell her again but I’m glad she had me and never had to know a day without me. She had a wonderful life with me and taught me how to recognise (and befriend) other dogs that are fearful of people or eye contact or just lack self confidence. I’ll never be the same and I’m so glad! And she would be proud of me for helping other dogs who don’t feel so sure about something to feel safe and respected and secure and build their confidence and trust gently.

I am sure every pet owner has earned similar gifts… Learning the quirks of a hyperactive cat, secret hiding spots for treats or naps, how to play with their pet depending on the age or weather or time of day, how to read their moods, what foods they’re sensitive to, the most special treats… all lessons for the next dog or cat (or any pet) or person we meet who might share traits with our old companion.

My family don’t understand because they are afraid of attachment, feelings, vulnerability, love, friendship, kinship. I can not imagine a worse life. To live in such fear of grief or loss that you never let love or friendship into your heart? No thanks. I see the ones who have lost as the lucky ones. It’s strong to share, to share life and feelings and space. To be able to be real, it’s special! Whether you share your home and life with people or animals – whoever you love and cherish and eventually grieve, you’ve done a great thing. Two souls agree and both say “yes, I’ll let you in.” That’s… I think that’s the most amazing, powerful, meaningful moment I’ve had. I think that’s what I live for. To be a part of those experiences of connection.

Life is rare in this universe. To connect with another soul? I think that means you did well.

[Author]

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